"What's the theme this week?" I hear you cry.
"DISCO!" I shout/sing back. Someone had better be on roller skates.
Dermot, Dermot, Dermot. We were doing so well without your dancing this year. I know we've just had Halloween and it's nearly Bonfire Night, so you're a little over-excited, but let's just calm down and agree to keep the dancing to the privacy of your own room, shall we?
Some disco legends kick off the show with a medley (I have no idea who they are, but everyone seems rather excited, so I'll just go with it). While this is going on, we're treated to a number of shots of the judges dancing. Louis is clearly a fan of the side-to-side, slightly off-the-beat shuffle.
Luke Friend. Play That Funky Music.
Luke was really happy with his performance last week, Louis thinks it was a turning point for him and that the other judges are starting to get scared. This week Luke's been researching disco music. Part of this is achieved by roller skating(!) around the house.
Well bless him he's trying. It must be the rockiest version of disco ever, but I still want to sing along with him. The judges (apart from Gary) give him a standing ovation.
Sharon says he's the dark horse of the contest and that everyone else has to watch out for him. Gary thought he was going to hate it but after 5 seconds thought it was incredible. Nicole (from behind rather large hair this week) thinks it was funky. Louis thinks Luke is like a little Johnny Depp. Because that's a useful thing to be in a singing competition.
Kingsland Road. Blame It On The Boogie.
KR remind us of this week's theme. Thanks guys - hadn't had it rammed down our throats enough already. This week KR have been working on what they call 'next level' dancing. One of them is struggling. I'm not sure it's a good idea to admit you've been finding it difficult because it just means I'll be watching even closer.
Everyone has lead vocals this week. It's okay but they seem quite nervous so they're concentrating REALLY hard.
Nicole loves the energy but wanted things to be a little less planned and perfect (this earns her boos). Louis thinks it was visually fantastic. Sharon wants them to take the 'I don't want to be in the bottom two again' looks off their faces - that's it! She's summed it up. They take it far too seriously.
Tamera Foster. Wishing On A Star.
Tamera thinks that Gary didn't like her performance last week. There's no 'think' about it, love. He didn't like it.
Tamera has clearly been to the same hairdresser as Nicole. She sings it perfectly and maybe I just expect too much, but it's just not very interesting. And I'm not entirely sure where the disco element was.
Louis loves the song choice and thinks she'll go far in the competition. Sharon thinks it was a controlled, smooth performance. Gary says Tamera's grown up this week. Nicole thinks it was velvety and 'like melted butter'.
Sam Callahan. Relight My Fire.
Sam thought he did well last week and was gutted when he heard Gary's negative comments.
They're going with a boxing theme (no idea why). Gary's jaw is on the floor. This is rather horrid. Who thought this was a good idea? The vocals are not good, the staging is awful. I can't wait for Gary's opinion on this.
Sharon says he clearly loves what he's doing. Gary hated the performance and says everyone else is so much better than Sam. Nicole thinks the song exposed his weaknesses. Louis says Sam came out fighting and that he works hard. Doesn't really matter if you work hard if you've not got a good enough voice, I'm afraid Walsh.
Rough Copy. Dancing In September.
Gary thinks they're being too well behaved and that they need to be more chaotic on stage.
Again I don't think the vocals are great when they sing individually. Things do improve, though when they sing the chorus together, and actually once they get into the second verse they've sorted it. This would have been a really good night to be in the audience.
Nicole loves it. Louis thinks it was incredible. Sharon says their performances are effortless and natural. She does complain that they were practising for 'two bloody hours' next door to her dressing room though.
Abi Alton. I Will Surive.
Abi's had a bad couple of weeks and has lost her confidence so I'm really hoping she has a good one tonight.
This is apparently Abi's song choice and arrangement (just her and a piano). She's turned it into a completely different song. It sounds like the kind of song that could be on a Twinnings advert.
Louis praises the song choice and arrangement. Sharon thinks it was a brave choice. Gary agrees (Abi breathes a sigh of relief). Nicole says it was gorgeous.
If the whole X Factor thing doesn't work out, Abi should definitely start her own headband business.
Nicholas McDonald. Rock With You.
This week Nicholas is going to show Gary how fun he can be. Wahoo, organised, planned fun!
It's a shaky start - I feel nervous, but he's in control pretty soon. There are roller skates! This is great because Nicholas' planned fun is in fact not very fun.
Sharon wants to put Nicholas in her pocket. She thinks it was fantastic. Gary was really impressed. Nicole loves his voice. She also wants to take him to a disco. Louis says he's a natural performer.
Hannah Barrett. Somebody Else's Guy.
Hannah was apparently in the bottom two last week, which is INSANELY stupid. This week she met James Arthur, that notoriously upbeat guy who is bound to put you in a good mood if you've just narrowly avoided being kicked off a huge show. Geez.
Well SOMEONE is bloody well not going to put up with being in the bottom two again! If ever anyone could be described as singing for their life, this girl is doing it right now with this song.
Louis also thinks it was mad she was in the bottom two. Sharon likes that she's smiling, which is lovely change from her always looking like she's 'smelt something nasty'. Gary thinks she was fighting for her life. Nicole loves it.
Sam Bailey. Enough Is Enough.
Sam had a corker last week. This week Sharon took her to a spa because she wants her to look after herself.
She's brilliant, I love her. I'm too busy literally toe-tapping to write any more than that!
Gary was sure Sam was going to struggle tonight but admits he was wrong. Nicole loves it. Louis calls her a yummy mummy. Sharon thinks everything was 110% (apologies if you're reading, Philly - I'm just quoting her).
Thankfully there's no flash vote tonight, so no more faffing. See y'all next time!