So apparently nothing worthy of an inane ramble has happened in rather a long time.
Have decided that, since I was so hilarious when recapping the most recent series of Dancing on Ice (read my previous bloglets if you don't believe me: I was bloody hysterical), I will now turn to X Factor 2011. You are very welcome.
Tonight's show is not only the first one that I will be recapping, but it is also the Hallowe'en special ... has anyone explained this concept to Tulisa because she failed to understand the 'rock' theme last week.
Aaaand we're off. Mr. Dramatic, the narrator, announces this has been the most dramatic week EVER. On the VT Louis tells me that Kelly is ill and exclaims, "What's going to happen to the girls?" I'm sure they'll be fine Louis, you worry too much.
Dermot enters with a crowd of PVC-clad dancers. All you need know is he should stick to his day job rather than attempt to dance.
There is a lot of fuss about Kelly being unwell and resting up in LA. I am interpreting 'resting up' as 'pissed off at some of the other judges and having a sulk'.
Anywho, the first act is up. It's The Risk. One of them left. Many tears but basically one average boy band member was replaced by another average boy band member. They're singing Thriller. It's not a good start. It's not a good middle. It's not a good end.
Apparently the judges are hearing something very, VERY different because they are all extremely positive.
By the way, Tulisa is wearing a catsuit and cat ears. Just thought I'd drop that one in.
The second act is 'The People's Diva' Johnny. On the VT he wants Gary to 'get right behind him' ... insert your own lewd joke here. He is singing That Old Devil ... or something like that. It's really rather good. Just a pianist on stage with him: no ridiculous staging like there has been in previous weeks. I'm glad Louis took my advice to tone things down a bit. Good job Johnny.
Gary likes it so much he goes on stage to shake his hand. Johnny swoons.
After the ad. break Kelly Rowland (tonight played by Alexandra Burke) introduces her act, Sophie Habibibibibis. She is singing Bang Bang. I am unsure of the connection to Hallowe'en but she is singing it well despite the ridiculous Minnie Mouse style hair.
Louis tells Sophie it's like she's 'a secretary that sings at the weekend'. This is an odd analogy to use, Walsh. Tulisa disagrees and thinks she 'smashed it'. Gary calls it 'dull as dishwater'. Alexandra defends her. I lose interest.
Act number ... four (?) ... yes, four, is Marcus. I like Marcus for two reasons: 1. He is a good singer and 2. He has a Latin tattoo (which I have yet to see fully and translate). He is singing Very Superstitious. I like it. How can you not like this little guy?
Louis tells him that he has 'every-ting', Tulisa and Alexandra like the fun he has on stage, Gary likes his smile.
Misha's up next and we are reminded of last week's bullying claims. Misha wants us to know she's not a bad person. She's singing Tainted Love. Lots of mime-like puppety dancers and the obligatory over-the-top outfit for Misha. Basically it's brilliant. Vocally she's way ahead of most of the other acts. Lots of shots of Tulisa watching - she seems pissed off.
Louis and Gary love it, Tulisa gets as close to apologising without actually giving an apology for calling her a bully last week. Alexandra says something about climbing a ladder.
Janet is singing next. She likes singing upbeat songs. Everyone is supporting her back in her hometown: the VT told me.
So, despite her liking upbeat songs, Janet is singing Every Breath You Take. Is this deemed Hallowe'eny because the lyrics are slightly creepy and stalkerish? It's ok, it's not great but it's ok.
Louis finds it haunting and tries to channel Kelly by telling Janet she's got it going on. Alexandra wants to cuddle Janet and take her home. That's called kidnapping, Burke.
Oh good. Frankie is up next. I do so enjoy his performances. Apparently he is going to come out on stage and 'have it'.
Singing Should I Stay Or Should I Go (you should go Frankie, just go and party with teenage girls and don't bother me). This proves to be a good song choice as it requires a minimal amount of singing: singing is not Frankie's strong point.
'Fasten your seatbelts, it's Kitty' wise words, Louis. Kitty tells me she didn't like being in the bottom two last week.
Aaand she's on a spinning catherine wheel type contraption! Of course she is: it's Kitty. Singing Sweet Dreams. Lots of mad staging and dancers, Cruella de Ville hair and it's brilliant. Tulisa likes it, Alexandra tells Kitty she can sing, Louis overreacts ridiculously to something Alex says about Kitty being a cabaret act. SHUT UP LOUIS! STOP TALKING YOU STRANGE, LEGO-CLAPPING MAN. WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE FINAL WORD? YOU'RE LIKE A CHILD!
And breathe ... advert break number 483 and time for rice pudding. Woot.
Dermot welcomes us back to the final part of the show. Already? It's gone so quickly.
Tulisa introduces 'Little Mix' (previously Rhythmix). Oh one of them is having a body image meltdown. Unfortunately it's the one that Sarah and I refer to as 'the gremlin' and I feel a bit horrid. They're on swings and singing that new song that sounds like that Tatu song. God I'm such an old lady.
- Phone call -
Oh Craig's on singing Set Fire To The Rain. Someone please explain the Hallowe'en connection. And why is he wearing a coat? He's in a studio with hundreds of other bodies. Warm.
Alexandra tells him he has a voice. She also seems to have been taking Rowland lessons from Kelly ('You hear dat noise? You hear dat noise?)
Dermot reminds me of the numbers I must call to vote for my favourite act. Unfortunately I do not like any of them enough to part with 35 pence. If I did, I would give my vote this week to Johnny.