Sunday, 27 February 2011

Dancing on Ice, International Style

Good evening.

A quick notice before we kick off with tonight's proceedings. Ms Willoughby has recently been suffering with migraines and has been advised to rest. The part of Ms Willoughby will therefore be played by Ms Colleen Nolan in tonight's performance. Thank you.

Quick notice number two is that we are delighted to be joined once again by our guest commentator, Sarah the Groves. Or at least we will shortly be joined by Ms Groves, once she has completed building her latest house on The Sims.

Right, Dancing on Ice beginneth.

Tonight's theme: international. Ok, I'll go with it, bit of a random one but I'll go with it.

Colleen is looking suitably sparkly but she's just not Holly.

Torvill and Dean begin with a Spanish/Tango performance which seems to involve a strange sort of dance-off with another couple who aren't skating. It's all a bit weird but quite enjoyable.

Laura and Colin (USA) skating to Upside Down. (Wait a minute, they haven't introduced the judges. Poor show).
Last week they were top of the leader board. Over the weeks I've warmed to this kids' TV presenter and I actually quite like her now so fingers crossed she scores highly again tonight. Does the Charleston require such ridiculous outfits? It may well be the case that pink hair is entirely necessary but I am unconvinced. The performance, though, was very good.
Tony (the commentator): "After Dancing on Ice she wants to be the next Anneka Rice. I don't think she's got the posterior for it though has she?" Um, can he say that?
Don't worry folks, the judges have snuck in and have given her a score of 24.5

You know that part in Matilda when Matilda puts superglue around the rim of her dad's hat and he can't get it unstuck so has to wear it all the time? *ahem* Jason *ahem*

This girl on the macleans sponsorship adverts is taking a bloody long time to choose a guy to go out on a date with. They've been skating around for weeks now. I'm not sure she's really worth it guys. I'd go and get a take-away if I were you, much better plan.

Da da da da da da daaaa! Our guest commentator has arrived. Welcome Ms Groves. Come in and settle yourself down.

SarahtheGroves suggests that tonight's rather random theme may be a tribute to the Murder, She Wrote 'World Tour' marathon we have been enjoying over the weekend. I think this is most likely.

Jeff and Isabelle (Austria) skating to When I Need You.
Very smart-looking white outfits. How sensible. Here's a piece of trivia for you regarding this song: I won Will Mellor's version of this song at a disco in junior school and used to sing along to it all the time in my bedroom when I was about 8.
Oh, the song's over and all I've done is comment on their clothes and provide you with a less than interesting anecdote. Errors.
Judges' score: 22.5 (a personal best).

SarahtheGroves' favourite part was Christopher Dean saying 'awesome'.

I've just noticed that Phillip's tie is sparkly and matches Colleen's dress. This is either very adorable OR incontrovertible proof that there was an evil plot to get rid of Holly for tonight so that the tie/dress matching scenario happened.

Denise and Matt (Brazil) skating to Let's Get Loud.
Matt warns Denise to 'avoid monkey arms'. Sound advice.
Denise can slide around the ice like a drunken donkey for all I care because the song choice is FABULOUS and reminds me of dinner time in my second and third years at university when we used to play it at a ridiculous volume. Excellent, excellent times which I miss dearly.
Judges' score: 14.5
Jason's saying something rude about Denise looking like she needed an MRI scan but I'm too busy singing the song to be worried. I'm surprised that Colleen didn't punch him in the face

Vanilla Ice and Katie (Spain) skating to Like I Love You.
Remember Vanilla; flamenco, not hip-hop. Alright, off you go.
It is perhaps a little unfortunate that Torvill and Dean have already done a Spanish-themed dance this evening because Vanilla Ice's performance does not look half as good.
Tony: "Vanilla Ice once rode a bull in a rodeo and lasted 8 seconds. Well he's lasted longer this time."
Judges' score: 21.5
Jason thinks Vanilla looked like a space invader at times. Well ... at least ... at least ... he ... has ... hair Jason! (I'm way good at the comebacks).

SarahtheGroves is worried that she's being boring this week but blames this on the celebrities being boring. Fairy nuff.
SarahtheGroves is now bored and has decided to bounce around the room barking like a dog and to distract us from the Go Compare advert which has suddenly appeared on the TV, she is performing Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Marvellous.

You've got to love Mr. Schofield. Who else would agree to morris dance on national television?

Sam and Brianne (Ireland) skating to Riverdance.
Oh I'm bored of you, Sam. You're starting to annoy me. Oh dear, in dress rehearsal he dropped her on the ice. She looked rather pissed off.
This all seems a bit slow for Riverdance. I understand he can't do proper Irish dancing on ice but ...
Judges clearly don't agree with me as they've given him a score of 27.0

Bunton is looking very orange these days.

Chloe and Monsieur Francais (Turkey) skating to Kiss Kiss.
Apparently last week she had 'grotesque' hands. Monsieur Francais has forgotten his shirt. I really liked that routine, very well done Madeley.
Judges' score: 24.5
Jason gets all mardy about the audience booing.

Johnson and Jodeyne (Argentina) skating to She Drives Me Crazy.
They've trained the smile out of Johnson! This is quite distressing. Also this is a random tune to regard as a tango.
Judges' score: 14.5

So, predictions for who will be leaving later on this evening:
SarahtheGroves: Denise but with Johnson or Chloe in the bottom two with her.
Me: Denise.


Monday, 21 February 2011

Better late than never!

I know what you're thinking. It's Monday, not Sunday. Why the hell am I getting my Dancing on Ice recap a day late? Because, my lovelies, of slight essay-related issues I was having last night. Anyway you will be relieved to hear that THAT'S all dealt with so I now have time to spend on important things. Important things such as being sarcastic about a reality television programme. Excellent.
What it also means is I'm watching the show on itv player. Why is that important? I hear you cry. Well, my beauties, it means I can pause it whenever I like and actually have time to type. Woo and yay.

Let the fun begin.

First error - volume was WAY TOO LOUD and I nearly fell off the sofa from the shock of it.
Ok, I'm good to go.

The commentator informs me that this week the celebrities will be facing the ULTIMATE SKILLS TEST (he said it in a terribly dramatic way so I thought I should put it in capital letters). This means they have to incorporate jumps, spins and a step sequence into their performance. Yikes.

Ah ha ha ha! I nearly fell off the sofa for the second time in a minute, this time through laughter. Kerry's skating partner, Dan, seemed to have her attached to some sort of baby-bouncer. Brilliant.

What a lovely routine by Torvill and Dean. (Yes, of course I intended that to rhyme). Watch it here.

Forgive me, Phillip and Holly, I am fast forwarding through your first rambly bit to get to the first couple.

So, just to recap, the celebrities must include a jump, a spin and a step sequence and each will be worth a possible 2.0 points. Got it? Good. Onwards.

Oh what? You can't fast forward through the adverts? Absolute fail, itv!

First up to skate are Chloe and Mr. French (to Little Bird).
Chloe's having a strop in her video. It would be incredibly hilarious if she had a strop halfway through her routine. I fear she won't though. Damn you, Chloe.
Meh. Nothing special. NEXT! Oh yes, the judges' score: 18.5
What the chickens is Jason Gardiner wearing? I'm surprised the Grange Hill theme tune isn't played every time he's on camera. I wonder if I can find a picture ... one moment please ...
Not a picture from last night's show in his splended school-boy blazer, but it amused me.
You know what I've noticed recently? Emma Bunton says "For me" A LOT and it's starting to annoy me. Let's keep a tally of the number of times she says it tonight. So far? One.

Johnson and Jodeyne are skating next (to She Will Be Loved).
Crikey, he's aiming for a score of 20 this week. Ambitious. He's going to try and lift her above his head. I haven't seen or heard anything in the news to suggest that there was a horrific accident so I'm assuming that things will be ok.
Aww, very sweet routine (and no, he didn't drop her on her head, phew).
Judges' score: 14.5
("for me" tally: 2)

Laura and Colin (skating to Stop - unfortunately not the Spice Girls' song).
And for the third time this evening I nearly fell of the sofa (again through laughter). A dance expert has been enlisted to help with the routine and it's none other than Andrew Stone off of Pineapple Studios fame! (The joker at the start of this clip).
Well played, Laura, well played.
Judges' score: 25.5
("for me" tally: 3)

Jeff and Isabelle (skating to Forget You, which incidentally I have decided I want to learn on the ukulele).
The spin seems to be causing him trouble but it's ok because it went wrong in dress rehearsal and therefore will definitely be fine in the live performance. Yep, the spin was fine. Told you. Judges' score: 16.0
Jason's started to catch the "for me" disease.
Oooh oooh oooh potential Karen/Jason confrontation ... ah shucks it came to nothing.

Denise and Matt (skating to True Colours).
Just in case you forgot, the celebs have to do a jump, a spin and a step sequence. Thanks for reminding me, Denise, because it had slipped my mind since the last time I was told 30 seconds ago.
I doubt very much that Denise will ever read my bloglets, but well done missus, good performance!
Judges' score: 16.5 - her highest score.

Sam and Brianne (skating to She Said).
Holy mackrel, mother of pearl he nearly killed her! She was so close to the ice that she kept putting her arm out to protect her. Dear Torvill and Dean, don't let him do that again!
Judges' score: 24.5

Kerry and Dan are up next and I am most intrigued to find out what the baby bouncer clip at the start of the show was all about.
Christopher Dean: "The ultimate skills test does leave those that are not very good at it completely exposed." Please substitute the words 'those that are not very good at it' for 'Kerry', thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Karen: "For Kerry, the jump is a real leap of faith." Chortle chortle. 'Leap' of faith. Good one, Karen.
Ok, so the baby bouncer is actually a 'jump harness' to help when learning a new jump. To be honest I think Karen's making it up to make Kerry look foolish. Excellent work Karen.
(Skating to Hush hush).
Tony the commentator: "As part of Atomic Kitten, Kerry had a UK number one single 10 years ago today. She's not hoping to finish so high tonight though." Tony, you are my new best friend.
Judges' score: 9.0
Jason to Kerry: "You've been skating for three months now and I have to question what you've actually been doing in that time." Meeeeeooow.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been waiting for. Vanilla Ice skating to Ice Ice Baby. Watch it here.
Judges' score: 22.5 - his highest.
Robin called it the best overall performance of the night. I think I would probably agree Mr. Cousins.

Well that concludes tonight's recap. I hope it was both informative and entertaining. See you next week!

(P.S. Kerry got booted out ... *tiny victory dance*)

Sunday, 13 February 2011

"Sometimes I really do wish I had monkey feet"

Good evening, good evening, good evening. Welcome to this, my tenth, bloglet.

Yep, you guessed it, it's another Dancing on Ice live commentary bloglet. This week we are honoured to be joined by our guest commentator, Miss Sarah Groves, who has not seen any of this series and will therefore be an unbiased panelist.We hope you enjoy the bloglet.

So, this week's theme is musical theatre. Perfect for Sarah!

FYI this week's required skill is a jump. Should be interesting.

Jeff and Isabelle are starting the show. Torvill tells me the jumps seem to be a massive hurdle for him. This suggests to me there will be more than one jump, which in turn increases the chance of him falling over. Skating to All I Ask Of You (Phantom of the Opera).
That jump was pitiful, Brazier.
Sarah says: Is the celebrity the man?
Judges' score: 22.0. A personal best.
Jason didn't see enough tenderness and thinks Jeff looked like he was waiting for a bus.

Breaking news: Jason is not wearing a hat this week. Oh I can't lie to you. Of course he is. Black and white checked. I found out why he always wears a hat. It's to keep some of the snarky comments locked up inside him.

Denise and Matt. Denise reminds me that this week's skill is a jump. She then informs me that she's a very busy lady. Aren't we all, Denise? ... well I suppose we're not all ladies ....
Skating to Roxie (Chicago).
Ah, there are the jumps! Kind of a 'blink and you missed it' thing.
Judges' score: 13.0
Jason likes Denise' bum but thinks her arms are like windscreen wipers.

Sam and his girlfriend. Sam tells me there are a lot of places to slip up in this routine. Heh. Slip up. Ice. Very clever.
Skating to Crash, Bang, Whallop (Half a sixpence).
This is brilliant! A 'signature performance', Tony says.
Judges' score: 25.5
Sarah says: Who sang Right Said Fred? [I looked it up and, if you're wondering, it was Bernard Cribbins. Here's a lego version].

Ooh, professional skaters, skating to Defying Gravity (Wicked). Oh they sneakily attached the female skaters to the wires during the performance.
Regarding the final notes of the song, Sarah says: Not the notes I would have gone with but ...
Upon finding out that the woman playing Elphaba was Rachel Tucker, whom she hated in BBC's I'd Do
Anything, Sarah says: Oh THAT'S why she sucked at the last note.

Oh. Katona. Skating to There's No Business Like Showbusiness.
Outfit is horrible. God I dislike this woman.
Sarah says: Did she just have a sneaky wave at her children? (I do not know, Miss Groves, did she?)
Judges' score: 12.0 Kerry is happy with this because she does a tiny victory dance.
Sarah says: Shut up. (She also dislikes Kerry).
Jason disses her skating and there are no boos from the audience. Heh.

Advert break musings from Sarah: You know Kerry? I don't want to be rude (which means she's about to be very rude) but, I liked her when she was in the jungle and I was happy she was queen of the jungle, but I feel like everything she's done since the jungle serves as quite a good advert as to why we shouldn't take certain 'creatures' out of the jungle.


Chloe and French partner. Skating to On My Own (Les Miserables).
Sarah says: I love this song, but before I knew the song I thought the man was dressed as a pirate.
Pitiful jumps, Madeley.
At the end of the performance Sarah says: Face acting!
Tony says that if she carries this on, she could be on screen more often than her parents. Are her parents still on screen Tony? Errors.
Judges' score: 22.0
One of the Jedwards is sitting in front of Richard and Judy. Lucky them.
Jason says there wasn't enough light and shade in the execution of the choreography. W.T.F?

Johnson and Jodeyne. Oh the controversy of last week! This is completely ignored in the video, damn you Dancing on Ice producers!
Skating to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life (Spamalot).
Oh Johnson, you're such a dad-dancer. I love you. Come on Jason, you've got to love that!
Judges' score: 15.0
Christopher Dean says Johnson's been on an amazing journey. Ugh, journey-talk again.

Sarah's worried we're going to witness a death on live television when Vanilla Ice jumps over his skating partner.

Vanilla Ice. "If anything went wrong obviously I'd slice her in half". Obviously Vanilla. Skating to Born to Handjive (Grease).
You will be glad to hear that Vanilla Ice did NOT kill his skating partner. Phewphies.
Judges' score: 21.0. Personal best.
Jason says a little bit of Vanilla Ice is melting away. The Jedwards in the audience heckle at this point, undoubtedly saying something incredibly intelligent and profound but the microphones didn't pick it up. Shame.

Comedy Dave and the poodle. Skating to Aquarius (Hair).
Sarah says: I'm glad he's got a wig. That's fun.
This is pretty horrible but someone cackled in the audience so they're clearly enjoying it.
Interesting lift name: The Revelation Wrap.
Judges' score: 12.5. Personal best.
Jason's spouting crap again. Something about contracting and releasing in the body.

Sarah says: I am very very hungry now.

Laura and Colin. Sarah reckons it'll be from Legally Blonde. I reckon this also. Will they manage the crazy backflip?
Skating to You Can't Stop The Beat (Hairspray). Awesome song.
Sarah says: Although the face acting really does offend me, I find myself strangely drawn to them.
Judges' score: 25.5. Equal top with Sam et girlfriend.

Sarah says: I like .... Torvill's dress. (She took approximately 4 seconds to work out which was which).

Sarah says: When's Wild At Heart starting? (Soon, my lovely, soon).

Sunday, 6 February 2011

We really should stop meeting like this.

Gooooood evening my adoring fans. How the devil are you? Had a good week? Good. Good. Me? Not bad, thanks. Bit of essay-writing, bit of school, bit of socialising. Can't complain really. Anyway, we must stop this idol chit-chat for Dancing on Ice commenceth.

I like the Dancing on Ice theme music but I feel there is room for improvement. There should be words to sing along to. Here is my suggestion (to be sung to the tune of Wicked's Dancing Through Life):
Dancing on Ice,
With Phillip and Holly,
Kerry's still in? Boo-ooo
How's she still here?
Won't she dis'ppear?

That's as much as I've got so far.

The preview video informs me that this week the celebrities must skate by themselves. You hear that, Katona? That means without clinging onto your partner.

Torvill and Dean are skating! And the professionals are skating! (To Copacabana for this week is Vegas week). Oh my word, T&D somehow managed a costume change halfway through the routine! They're magic!

Holly is very sparkly this week. I think she is 82% sparkle, which is approximately 5% too much.

Jennifer (whom, for no apparent reason, I do not like) and Sylvain are skating first to If I Could Turn Back Time. These two are very sparkly tonight as well. Not as much as Willoughbooby though. The sequence of them skating alone was alright. Judges' score: 19.0

Is Jason working for a flat cap company this year? It's a bit of a boring one this week, folks. He could have put a bit more effort into it and gone for a sparkly one to fit in with everyone else.

Jeff and Isabelle are up. They fell over last week. Don't do it again, Brazier. They're skating to It's Not Unusual. I hope he puts in a few Carlton (off of Fresh Prince of Bel Air) moves. The independent skating has gone well. Good performance, Jeff, could it be his highest score?
Judges' score: 20.0 - by far his best score of the series.

Laura and Colin. Their challenge this week is the Spiral Lift. She's already sliced his leg open in rehearsals. Will there be blood tonight? Skating to It's all coming back to me now. She's a bit shaky but managed not to amputate any legs. It's annoying me that the man ... um ... Colin is wearing white trousers and a white top with black skates.
Judges' score: 24.0 - another personal best. Laura 'moved' Jason tonight. Ugh, puke.

Denise and Matt. Oh MAN UP Denise and get on with it. Oh, she fell during dress rehearsal. I'm thinking she might repeat it tonight. Skating to S'wonderful. I like it so far, very cute, but no solo skating yet ... here it comes peeps ... still standing ... still standing ... still standing ... and finished! Congratuwelldones for staying upright, Denise.
Judges' score: 13.5 which is an improvement on last week.

Bunton's looking suspiciously tanned this week. Maybe it's a glow from pregnancy. Jason's being complementary of Denise but, alas, she didn't move him like Laura did. Ah well.

Comedy Dave and Frankie. He has long days what with having to get up early. Dislike the mint green outfits. Skating to Please Release Me. I'm sorry to say it's all a bit dull ... but Frankie messed up! Frankie messed up! The poodle-faced so-and-so fell over! Made. My. Night.
Judges' score: 11.0

[Dinner time. Commentary will commence shortly]

Vanilla Ice skated to Blue Suede Shoes and yes, he did indeed have blue suede skates on. Judges' score: 16.0 Jason told him off for mouthing the words.

Johnson and Jodeyne. He seems to be struggling with 'forward' and 'backwards'. Skating to Piano Man. He's skating fairly well but, unfortunately for him, my dad has decided to sing along and this does the performance no favours. Amusing lift name: Assisted Death Spiral.
Judges' score: 12.0 He's getting emotional about something. Jason's being rude. Karen's crying. Oh my god, Jason to Karen: If your opinion still mattered you'd be on the panel.
Jason, you may have just lost even more friends there, mate.
[For anyone who missed it, here is the moment Jason crossed the line]

Sam and his girlfriend are skating next. They've gone to a Frank Sinatra impersonator who told them to 'listen to the music'. Wow. Insightful. Skating to  I Get A Kick Out Of You. He is basically this year's Ray. Without the annoying trait of being Ray. He makes it look so easy.
Judges' score: 25.5
Interesting lift name: The Arched Float Spin.

Katona. She's apparently not enjoying it as much. Then LEAVE. Two of her billion children have turned up to the practice rink. Skating to Woman in Love. Thirty seconds in and no solo skating ... a minute in and no solo skating ... oh, approximately ten seconds of awful solo skating. Leave now, Katona.
Interesting lift name: Flying Gondola.
Judges' score: 10.0
Kerry informs me 'this is a journey'. Leave. NOW. Kerry.

Chloe and Michael. Apparently the entire routine is a step sequence. T&D skated to the music years ago. Skating to In the Mood. Awesome piece of music. She's a bit wobbly, c'mon Maddely. Hmm, I think they built it up too much because I wasn't overly impressed, I have to admit.
Judges' score: 22.0 I was clearly wrong.

Well, that's the end of another DOI. I'm sorry, I don't think I was as amusing as previous weeks. Will try harder next week.