A quick notice before we kick off with tonight's proceedings. Ms Willoughby has recently been suffering with migraines and has been advised to rest. The part of Ms Willoughby will therefore be played by Ms Colleen Nolan in tonight's performance. Thank you.
Quick notice number two is that we are delighted to be joined once again by our guest commentator, Sarah the Groves. Or at least we will shortly be joined by Ms Groves, once she has completed building her latest house on The Sims.
Right, Dancing on Ice beginneth.
Tonight's theme: international. Ok, I'll go with it, bit of a random one but I'll go with it.
Colleen is looking suitably sparkly but she's just not Holly.
Torvill and Dean begin with a Spanish/Tango performance which seems to involve a strange sort of dance-off with another couple who aren't skating. It's all a bit weird but quite enjoyable.
Laura and Colin (USA) skating to Upside Down. (Wait a minute, they haven't introduced the judges. Poor show).
Last week they were top of the leader board. Over the weeks I've warmed to this kids' TV presenter and I actually quite like her now so fingers crossed she scores highly again tonight. Does the Charleston require such ridiculous outfits? It may well be the case that pink hair is entirely necessary but I am unconvinced. The performance, though, was very good.
Tony (the commentator): "After Dancing on Ice she wants to be the next Anneka Rice. I don't think she's got the posterior for it though has she?" Um, can he say that?
Don't worry folks, the judges have snuck in and have given her a score of 24.5
You know that part in Matilda when Matilda puts superglue around the rim of her dad's hat and he can't get it unstuck so has to wear it all the time? *ahem* Jason *ahem*
This girl on the macleans sponsorship adverts is taking a bloody long time to choose a guy to go out on a date with. They've been skating around for weeks now. I'm not sure she's really worth it guys. I'd go and get a take-away if I were you, much better plan.
Da da da da da da daaaa! Our guest commentator has arrived. Welcome Ms Groves. Come in and settle yourself down.
SarahtheGroves suggests that tonight's rather random theme may be a tribute to the Murder, She Wrote 'World Tour' marathon we have been enjoying over the weekend. I think this is most likely.
Jeff and Isabelle (Austria) skating to When I Need You.Very smart-looking white outfits. How sensible. Here's a piece of trivia for you regarding this song: I won Will Mellor's version of this song at a disco in junior school and used to sing along to it all the time in my bedroom when I was about 8.
Oh, the song's over and all I've done is comment on their clothes and provide you with a less than interesting anecdote. Errors.
Judges' score: 22.5 (a personal best).
SarahtheGroves' favourite part was Christopher Dean saying 'awesome'.
I've just noticed that Phillip's tie is sparkly and matches Colleen's dress. This is either very adorable OR incontrovertible proof that there was an evil plot to get rid of Holly for tonight so that the tie/dress matching scenario happened.
Denise and Matt (Brazil) skating to Let's Get Loud.
Matt warns Denise to 'avoid monkey arms'. Sound advice.
Denise can slide around the ice like a drunken donkey for all I care because the song choice is FABULOUS and reminds me of dinner time in my second and third years at university when we used to play it at a ridiculous volume. Excellent, excellent times which I miss dearly.
Judges' score: 14.5
Jason's saying something rude about Denise looking like she needed an MRI scan but I'm too busy singing the song to be worried. I'm surprised that Colleen didn't punch him in the face
Vanilla Ice and Katie (Spain) skating to Like I Love You.
Remember Vanilla; flamenco, not hip-hop. Alright, off you go.
It is perhaps a little unfortunate that Torvill and Dean have already done a Spanish-themed dance this evening because Vanilla Ice's performance does not look half as good.
Tony: "Vanilla Ice once rode a bull in a rodeo and lasted 8 seconds. Well he's lasted longer this time."
Judges' score: 21.5
Jason thinks Vanilla looked like a space invader at times. Well ... at least ... at least ... he ... has ... hair Jason! (I'm way good at the comebacks).
SarahtheGroves is worried that she's being boring this week but blames this on the celebrities being boring. Fairy nuff.
SarahtheGroves is now bored and has decided to bounce around the room barking like a dog and to distract us from the Go Compare advert which has suddenly appeared on the TV, she is performing Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Marvellous.
You've got to love Mr. Schofield. Who else would agree to morris dance on national television?
Sam and Brianne (Ireland) skating to Riverdance.
Oh I'm bored of you, Sam. You're starting to annoy me. Oh dear, in dress rehearsal he dropped her on the ice. She looked rather pissed off.
This all seems a bit slow for Riverdance. I understand he can't do proper Irish dancing on ice but ...
Judges clearly don't agree with me as they've given him a score of 27.0
Bunton is looking very orange these days.
Chloe and Monsieur Francais (Turkey) skating to Kiss Kiss.
Apparently last week she had 'grotesque' hands. Monsieur Francais has forgotten his shirt. I really liked that routine, very well done Madeley.
Judges' score: 24.5
Jason gets all mardy about the audience booing.
Johnson and Jodeyne (Argentina) skating to She Drives Me Crazy.
They've trained the smile out of Johnson! This is quite distressing. Also this is a random tune to regard as a tango.
Judges' score: 14.5
So, predictions for who will be leaving later on this evening:
SarahtheGroves: Denise but with Johnson or Chloe in the bottom two with her.