Better late than never!

I know what you're thinking. It's Monday, not Sunday. Why the hell am I getting my Dancing on Ice recap a day late? Because, my lovelies, of slight essay-related issues I was having last night. Anyway you will be relieved to hear that THAT'S all dealt with so I now have time to spend on important things. Important things such as being sarcastic about a reality television programme. Excellent.
What it also means is I'm watching the show on itv player. Why is that important? I hear you cry. Well, my beauties, it means I can pause it whenever I like and actually have time to type. Woo and yay.

Let the fun begin.

First error - volume was WAY TOO LOUD and I nearly fell off the sofa from the shock of it.
-breathe-
Ok, I'm good to go.

The commentator informs me that this week the celebrities will be facing the ULTIMATE SKILLS TEST (he said it in a terribly dramatic way so I thought I should put it in capital letters). This means they have to incorporate jumps, spins and a step sequence into their performance. Yikes.

Ah ha ha ha! I nearly fell off the sofa for the second time in a minute, this time through laughter. Kerry's skating partner, Dan, seemed to have her attached to some sort of baby-bouncer. Brilliant.

What a lovely routine by Torvill and Dean. (Yes, of course I intended that to rhyme). Watch it here.

Forgive me, Phillip and Holly, I am fast forwarding through your first rambly bit to get to the first couple.

So, just to recap, the celebrities must include a jump, a spin and a step sequence and each will be worth a possible 2.0 points. Got it? Good. Onwards.

Oh what? You can't fast forward through the adverts? Absolute fail, itv!

First up to skate are Chloe and Mr. French (to Little Bird).
Chloe's having a strop in her video. It would be incredibly hilarious if she had a strop halfway through her routine. I fear she won't though. Damn you, Chloe.
Meh. Nothing special. NEXT! Oh yes, the judges' score: 18.5

What the chickens is Jason Gardiner wearing? I'm surprised the Grange Hill theme tune isn't played every time he's on camera. I wonder if I can find a picture ... one moment please ...

Not a picture from last night's show in his splended school-boy blazer, but it amused me.

You know what I've noticed recently? Emma Bunton says "For me" A LOT and it's starting to annoy me. Let's keep a tally of the number of times she says it tonight. So far? One.

Johnson and Jodeyne are skating next (to She Will Be Loved).
Crikey, he's aiming for a score of 20 this week. Ambitious. He's going to try and lift her above his head. I haven't seen or heard anything in the news to suggest that there was a horrific accident so I'm assuming that things will be ok.
Aww, very sweet routine (and no, he didn't drop her on her head, phew).
Judges' score: 14.5
("for me" tally: 2)

Laura and Colin (skating to Stop - unfortunately not the Spice Girls' song).
And for the third time this evening I nearly fell of the sofa (again through laughter). A dance expert has been enlisted to help with the routine and it's none other than Andrew Stone off of Pineapple Studios fame! (The joker at the start of this clip).
Well played, Laura, well played.
Judges' score: 25.5
("for me" tally: 3)

Jeff and Isabelle (skating to Forget You, which incidentally I have decided I want to learn on the ukulele).
The spin seems to be causing him trouble but it's ok because it went wrong in dress rehearsal and therefore will definitely be fine in the live performance. Yep, the spin was fine. Told you. Judges' score: 16.0
Jason's started to catch the "for me" disease.
Oooh oooh oooh potential Karen/Jason confrontation ... ah shucks it came to nothing.

Denise and Matt (skating to True Colours).
Just in case you forgot, the celebs have to do a jump, a spin and a step sequence. Thanks for reminding me, Denise, because it had slipped my mind since the last time I was told 30 seconds ago.
I doubt very much that Denise will ever read my bloglets, but well done missus, good performance!
Judges' score: 16.5 - her highest score.

Sam and Brianne (skating to She Said).
HEADBANGER ALERT
Holy mackrel, mother of pearl he nearly killed her! She was so close to the ice that she kept putting her arm out to protect her. Dear Torvill and Dean, don't let him do that again!
Judges' score: 24.5

Kerry and Dan are up next and I am most intrigued to find out what the baby bouncer clip at the start of the show was all about.
Christopher Dean: "The ultimate skills test does leave those that are not very good at it completely exposed." Please substitute the words 'those that are not very good at it' for 'Kerry', thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Karen: "For Kerry, the jump is a real leap of faith." Chortle chortle. 'Leap' of faith. Good one, Karen.
Ok, so the baby bouncer is actually a 'jump harness' to help when learning a new jump. To be honest I think Karen's making it up to make Kerry look foolish. Excellent work Karen.
(Skating to Hush hush).
Tony the commentator: "As part of Atomic Kitten, Kerry had a UK number one single 10 years ago today. She's not hoping to finish so high tonight though." Tony, you are my new best friend.
Judges' score: 9.0
Jason to Kerry: "You've been skating for three months now and I have to question what you've actually been doing in that time." Meeeeeooow.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been waiting for. Vanilla Ice skating to Ice Ice Baby. Watch it here.
Judges' score: 22.5 - his highest.
Robin called it the best overall performance of the night. I think I would probably agree Mr. Cousins.

Well that concludes tonight's recap. I hope it was both informative and entertaining. See you next week!

(P.S. Kerry got booted out ... *tiny victory dance*)