Wednesday, 31 October 2012

X Factor 2012 (27th October)

Seeing as it's another late recap, let's get straight down to business.

Last week MK1 left the show. I didn't like them (well, specifically her) so I wasn't particularly heartbroken.

This week's theme: Hallowe'en.

Dermot and his entourage enter to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Judging by the red devil horns he's wearing, someone's been to the Steps reunion tour recently.

The judges are here. Ah ha ha ha ha ha methinks Nicole didn't get the memo that we don't really do Hallowe'en here like they do in the States. Wonder how long it took to back-comb her hair to that height. Tulisa's opted for some slightly more subtle fangs. Gary and Louis have chosen not to dress up at all.

Gah, this is why I dislike watching on the ITV player (the picture's gone). Sound is still working, for the moment at least, so I shall persevere. Unfortunately this means I won't be able to admire/take the piss out of the contestants costumes. Fiddlesticks.

Dermot's just informed us that Lucy is unwell and won't be singing tonight. So we're down to nine performances.

Kye - Let Me Entertain You
Kye just wants to have fun this week (he was in the bottom two last time). Robbie Williams gives him some tips (which basically amount to 'go for it').
Having no picture really sucks. Vocals are good though. It sounds like he's doing a good job of getting the audience involved, which seemed to be his problem in previous weeks.
Nicole thinks it was a great way to open the show and that he came out swinging. Apparently there was dancing too. Dammit ITV player! Louis thinks it was probably a shock for Kye to be in the bottom two last time and he hopes he has done enough this week (he winds the audience up by suggesting it may not have been enough). Tulisa disagrees with Louis. She thinks Kye gave everything. Gary says Kye came back with a bang, boom and a crash. If you say so, Barlow.

Union J - (don't know the song)
Every time Union J get asked about what it's like to be in Union J, they tell people, "It's bananas." What fun, fun, incredibly simple guys they are. One of them tells us that every single second that they're awake, they're having fun. Even when you're on the toilet? I mean, necessary? Yes. Fun? Not so sure about that.
It doesn't start very well. They sing much better together than separately. I suppose that's good for a boy band and maybe I'm just being picky when I want them to be able to sing individually, but I'm not wowed.
Tulisa thinks the vocals are really good tonight but she reckons they played it safe. Gary agrees - he thinks it was safe. Nicole thinks it was absolute perfection. Louis believes in this group. Well that's nice to know.

The adverts play perfectly. Sound and picture. In fact, they're louder than the show. Grumble, grumble, stupid ITV player.

Rylan - (various)
Rylan's had a good week. Kylie and Robbie have apparently both shown support for him. Robbie's like the X Factor whore this week. It was also his birthday (Rylan's not Robbie's) and Nicole tricked him into thinking she couldn't go to his party. You tricky trickster, you.
Rylan vocals (without Rylan picture) is awful. It's another medley from him this week. Why does he do that? Does he feel it necessary to destroy three songs at once, instead of just one?
Rylan reminds Louis of a young Jean Paul Gautier - this is a good thing, I know because Louis told me. Tulisa says Rylan 'may not have the best voice in the competition'. May not? MAY not? Surely that's not even up for debate, is it?  Gary says it wasn't any worse than last week, that the music was so loud he couldn't hear Rylan singing, and that he liked the dancers. Nicole says it was her favourite performance so far.
Rylan says that if he gets through to next week's show, he'll just stand and sing (no gimmicks) to prove he can sing. Well I'll believe it when I see it.

Ella - Bring Me To Life
"I may be the youngest contestant in the competition, but I'm having the best time ever." Clearly 'being the youngest' is just Ella's thing now because why would being the youngest mean that you couldn't have the best time? Sigh.
Oh guess who Ella met this week? Yup. X Factor whore.
Vocals are ace, but you knew they would be, didn't you? This is Ella. I recommend listening to Ella without watching her - you totally forget she's so young - well, you do until she stops singing and reminds you of it.
Gary thinks it's disrespectful that people keep saying 'she's only 16' - well stop reminding us of it all the damn time, Barlow! Nicole says it was her least favourite performance of Ella's because it was in the wrong key. I love Nicole. She says the weirdest things and then surprises everyone by saying something that shows she actually knows what she's talking about. Louis doesn't like her hair because it's scary. Tulisa thinks Ella's special.

Christopher - I Just Died In Your Arms
Gary likes that Christopher uses his nerves positively, and he thinks Christopher is starting to believe in himself.
Vocals are good, but just like with Ella you expect that from Christopher. The audience is pretty quiet actually. You notice these things when you can't see what's going on - sort it out ITV.
Nicole says it was fun and that she felt like she was watching an '80s Hallowe'en pop opera. Louis says Christopher must be doing something right because he hasn't been in the bottom two yet - backhanded compliment if ever I heard one. Tulisa asks Gary how many '80s classics he's going to let Christopher destroy. Meow. Barlow doesn't have a comeback so just accuses Tulisa of having bad breath.

District 3 - Every Breath You Take/Beautiful Monster
Wow, Robbie Williams gave the guys some advice this week. Robbie Williams! Wow.
Ok, from the sound of it, Louis is going to be in their performance this week. I need to see this. YouTube to the rescue.
Oh disappointment. I misunderstood. Louis is not in this. Bored! I'm sulking now, I'm not even going to comment about their shaky vocals and weird make-up. Nope.
Tulisa loved it until they went into the Ne-yo bit. Gary thinks last week was a massive step forward and this week was a massive leap back. He's also fed up of mash-ups. You and me both, Barlow. Nicole agrees with Gary ... and me (re. their make-up). One of District 3 defends their mash-up choice by saying, "It's Hallowe'en and we did a monster mash-up." Leave. Leave right now. Someone escort that man from the building.

Sounds like Dermot's with friends and family. At least I don't have to see the plebs this week.

Jahmene - Killing Me Softly
It's time for my favourite. Yay. This week Samuel L Jackson asked Jahmene to sing for a charity thing he was doing. Take that, Robbie. Heh, Take That. Pun.
Ah it's perfect. Of course it's perfect. What do you expect me to say? I love this little dude. If you're expecting any sort of an unbiased critique of this guy you ain't gonna find it here!
Louis says Jahmene is the best singer in the competition. State the bleeding obvious, Walsh. Tulisa can't find anything negative to say. Don't try, Tulisa - there's nothing negative to find. Gary says it was effortless. Nicole says it was Ja-mazing (this earns an excited grin from me).

Jade - Freak Like Me
It sounds alright. I think I preferred her previous performances with slower songs that she can belt out, though. This one sounds a bit too fast (maybe she's dancing?) and like she's trying to catch up with the backing track.
Gary reminds us that Jade was unwell last week and has come back fighting. But he says that vocals were slightly weaker than usual. Nicole: "Thank god it's Hallowe'en because that was frightening." Louis thinks it was a bad song choice and that Jade didn't look comfortable. Tulisa argues (quite well actually) that the themes help contestants try new things and experiment with their style.

James - Sweet Dreams
Emile Sande wants to work with James - she told him backstage last week. So did Labyrinth. Good for you, James.
This is going to be ace. I can tell from the first three notes. In fact, I may well go and take another look at this on YouTube afterwards.

(I'm enjoying this too much to comment)

Louis loved it and says that a record deal can't be far away. Tulisa praises James for taking an old classic and then making it modern. Gary calls it incredible. Nicole says, "You are the difference. You are the difference." I don't understand but the audience likes it.

Right, I'm off to get a cup of tea and go and watch James' performance properly. Who left the show on Sunday?

Sunday, 21 October 2012

X Factor 2012 (20th October)

I'm watching a repeat again. (Yes, I'm quite the social butterfly at the moment.)

Last week Melanie left the show and District 3 stayed. No, I wasn't very happy.

This week's theme: club classics.

Dermot's little gang is back this week. And my god he's really going for it - splits, flips and everything ... oh wait this is a body double isn't it? Ah, you got me, O'Leary.

Judges are here. Louis is in another polo neck. Just thought you should know.

Christopher - Waiting For A Star To Fall
Christopher is not a dancer. Apparently his routine will involve dancing. This is going to be ace.
So it's not so much 'dancing' as it is 'wiggling from side to side'. Vocals are pretty good but it's very boring. I've already lost interest and am thinking about what Rylan's going to be doing this week. Louis seems to be smirking to himself.
Nicole: "Who doesn't love a warm cheese toastie?" She's decided to embrace the cheese this week. It reminds Louis of a school disco. Tulisa officially doesn't get it because it's too cheesy. She makes a comment about Gary churning his own Stilton (wonder how long she's been thinking that one up?)

MK1 - (various)
Apparently last week was 'love and heartbreak' for MK1. Boo-friggedy-hoo.
Well it's much less Glee than last week, but I have an irrational dislike for these two, so I'm not interested. Nicole clearly loves it - she's waving her hands around in appreciation.
Tulisa wanted them to do their own rap. (Raps are easy - I've written one about cheese.) Nicole doesn't know what all the smack talk is about because she thinks it was frickin sha-mazing. I'm too stunned by 'sha-mazing' to concentrate on what the others are saying.

Jahmene - Say A Little Prayer
My favourite little smoochie face has had a difficult week because of some personal stuff that has come out in the papers. Stupid newspapers.
He's wearing a blue bow tie that matches his trousers - how adorable! He sounds ace (obviously) ...  no, wait ... he sounds sha-mazing. Heh.
Louis says that Jahmene continues to amazing him (he means sha-maze). Tulisa thinks he's adorable ... oh Jahmene's fighting back tears. Someone hug him and then smoosh his little face. Gary reckons Jahmene is a little clumsy when he moves round the stage. Takes one to know one, Barlow.
(Side note: you should know that my computer tries to change 'Jahmene' to 'jazzmen')

Jade - You're Free
Jade's had the 'worst week ever' (she's got a sore throat and has to rest her voice for 48 hours).
She sounds fine to me. Hopefully she's not doing more damage to her vocal chords, though.
Gary wants to know whether Jade's voice is healed yet (apparently it's not). Nicole wants Jade to 'own it more'. Louis thinks Jade looks, but doesn't sound like, a superstar this week. Tulisa's angry at his comments and punches him in the face. Or maybe she's just angry. But she should punch him in the face. He needs to learn how annoying he is.

James - Sexy And I Know It
James has had a tough week as well? The acts are just falling apart this week! (He had an anxiety attack and 'had to calm down'.)
This is a great version of the song - completely different but great! It's much slower and he's playing his guitar. Really enjoyed that!
Louis thinks James deserves a record deal. Tulisa really likes seeing the fun side of James. Barlow thinks it was amazing, amazing, amazing (yes, he means sha-mazing, sha-mazing, sha-mazing). Nicole says James is a revelation with swag 'if that makes sense' - no it doesn't, but I love you anyway.

Union J - When Love Takes Over
These guys had a good week last time so hopefully they can keep it up (I'm nice sometimes - I don't always want them to fail).
They start by sitting down, pretending to be nonchalant. Bets on them standing up halfway through the song? Vocals are alright but I think they did a better job last week. Maybe it was the winter coats, because they're not all wearing them today.
Tulisa thinks they're finding their feet and are getting better. Gary says we're witnessing the birth of a new boy band but he wants more harmonies. Nicole wants more energy. Louis thinks the public love this band. Woah there, Walsh. Love's a pretty strong word, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

Wouldn't it be marvellous if one of the acts completely disagreed with the judges' comments and started getting abusive? 'I'm going to take all your comments on board' is getting really boring.

Rylan - (various)
Yep, it's that time of the show people. Rylan is here. He's had a pretty traumatic week too. He had his beard shaved off.
Vocals are awful but that's really not why we watch Rylan, is it? Halfway through the song Rylan apologises for his behaviour. Because I haven't been reading any magazines this week, I have no idea what this behaviour is, but apology accepted, I suppose.
Louis thinks Rylan is not the best singer but he is the best entertainer. Tulisa thinks vocals were rusty but the entertainment factor was still there. Gary thinks it's not fair that every week Rylan stays in the competition, one of the good acts will be leaving. The audience doesn't like this. Nicole says he doesn't have the X Factor ... he has the X Y Z factor.

Lucy - Titanium
Lucy got drunk and fell over a lot this week. Apparently this offended some people and she and Rylan have been moved out of the hotel they're all staying in. Ok, whatever. Moving on.
She's alright. It's an interesting version of the song but it's not very sha-mazing. Tulisa's happily singing along though, so maybe I'm wrong.
Barlow likes that Lucy keeps us guessing. Nicole finds Lucy's lyrics endearing (she'd written the verses). Louis loves the new hair (excellent input). Tulisa thinks people connect with Lucy's words.

Dermot's with the plebs again. Get out of there, D, you don't know where they've been.

Kye - Save The World (maybe?)
Gary's counted all the flat notes from Kye's performance last week. There were apparently 32. Hopefully there will be fewer tonight.
Another slow version. Plenty of dry ice. The vocals are good. I'm wondering if maybe I'm not enjoying tonight's performances as much as last week's is because I don't really know the songs very well.
Nicole wanted the performance to be epic, and ... and ... and ... it was. You tease, you. Louis thinks it was the perfect performance. Tulisa thinks the Kye we know and love is back. Gary says he performed amazingly (sha-mazingly).

District 3 - Begging You

Please let them choose their own song this week, Louis.
Louis thinks they've been concentrating on their singing so much that they 'forgot to show their personalities'. Riiiiight. I'm always doing that - forgetting to show my personality. What a load of rubbish.
Yeah it's alright as far as boy bands go. The camera cuts to Louis, who is clearly enjoying it - what he's doing could almost be described as dancing (it's really a weird head-bop thing of smugness).
Tulisa thinks that last week gave them the kick in the butt they needed. Barlow thinks they're the revelation of tonight. Hasn't someone else been the revelation this evening? Nicole reckons they're giving the other groups a run for their money. Louis is full of praise.

Ella - You Got The Love
Ella was tweeted by Adele last week. Well Adele tweeted about her. She's excited that she'll be dancing and actually moving away from the microphone. Simple things.
She sounds perfect, but Gary's frowning. Maybe he's just worried about how his overs are going to beat Ella. Don't worry, Barlow, Jahmene's going to win so you don't need to worry about Ella. The sooner you realise this, the better.
Gary thinks that dance moves like Steps cheapen Ella. Me and you are going to fall out very swiftly Barlow. Nicole thinks Ella is beyond her years. Louis thinks she has the X Factor. Tulisa says she smashed it (this is a good thing, right?)

Any thoughts on who will be leaving?

Sunday, 14 October 2012

X Factor 2012 (13th October)

Yep, I'm running late. My apologies. Life got in the way of watching the show live yesterday so here I am, watching the repeat on Sunday afternoon (and therefore without alcohol).

We start with a recap of last week's results - wasn't that a dramatic show? For anyone who didn't see it, Louis was basically his usual, idiotic self and got one of the good acts knocked out of the competition by being indecisive.

Dermot's on the stage. Do my eyes deceive me, or is he just walking? No dancing? I have to admit, I'm quite disappointed that there's nothing for me to criticise.

The judges are here. Holy crap, what the chickens is Nicole wearing? I'll answer that question: tin foil dress.

Dermot asks Louis what the hell he was doing last week in the results show. Louis makes up some crap about not being able to make up his mind but we all know that one of the producers told him to take it to deadlock and he wasn't brave enough to go against orders.

Jahmene - My Tears Dry On Their Own
Ah, it's Mr Adorable. This week Yoko Ono tweeted him. Standard.
I can't decide if the fact that I think he's adorable is clouding my judgement of whether this is good or not. I think it's ace though. Oh and it's suddenly turned into Aint No Mountain High Enough! What a pleasant surprise. He's so good. He has to win. I've decided.
Louis thinks Jahmene is what the show is all about and he's one of his favourites ever. Tulisa thinks he looks dapper. Barlow loves it. Nicole, who refers to Jahmene as 'Babycakes', also loves it. She says he 'took it' - don't really know what 'it' is, or where he is supposed to have taken it, but it seems to be a positive comment.

Theme is love and heartbreak by the way. Forgot to mention that.

Christopher - How Do I Get You Alone?
Christopher was kinda boring last week. I'm hoping he's more exciting today.
It's a bit of a shaky start but he belts out the chorus. Like, REALLY belts it out. It's nice. That's what it is. He has a nice voice and he looks nice and he sings nicely, but I wouldn't ever buy his album.
Nicole is very impressed. Louis thinks it was very cruise ship and cabaret - which could well be a compliment in Louis' eyes. Tulisa doesn't think Christopher is current. I'd agree. Barlow disagrees with both of us, though. Silly Gary.

Union J - Bleeding Love
This week Union J met One Direction. Apparently this was a good thing.
They're tackling Leona, people. This is a brave move after last week's disastrous performance. All the practise they've been doing though (which they emphasised rather a lot in their VT) seems to have paid off.
I'm actually really enjoying this, and I'm really not a fan of boy bands. Much better than last week.
Tulisa clearly hears my thoughts as the first thing she says is that it was much better than last week. Barlow agrees. Nicole thinks they got everything right. Louis says the boys are bringing something new to the show. I think he's referring to the winter coats. Seriously, since when did coats become a good look for boy bands?

Dermot reminds us we can download the 'legendary' X Factor app. Yep, we'll get right on that.

Ella - Loving You
This week Tulisa took Ella to see her video shoot. Bet she loved that, rather than actually being given time to rehearse.
This girl is amazing. I know I took the mickey out of 'being 16' being her thing last week, but she has a stunning voice for someone so young. She can come second when Jahmene wins. That would be acceptable.
Barlow says the risky song choice paid off. Nicole calls Ella a 'timeless goddess', which Louis then has to follow. Good luck, mate. Louis reckons Ella has been styled too much like Adele. Someone throw something at him. Preferably something hard. And solid.

James - No More Drama
James took Nicole to a pub this week, and gave her pork scratchings. What a brilliant idea (her face is hilarious). I love this guy. In return, Nicole got Mary J Blige to phone James. Think he did better out of that deal.
Thank goodness James seems to have been allowed to style himself this week - at least his hair and makeup doesn't look quite so ridiculous. Blimey he's good. If I were going to vote (which I'm not - Simon Cowell doesn't need any more money) it would be a difficult decision tonight.
Louis thinks James has real talent. Tulisa believes every single word James sings. Barlow is also glad James got rid of the guyliner this week. Nicole thinks James has made Ms Blige proud.

Lucy - Golddigger
Apparently Lucy hasn't had a great week. Oh her nan died. She's chosen to do a song which is upbeat and will make people happy. Good on you.
I like this version. It's quite KT Tunstall-y. She does well and gets through the song.
Barlow enjoyed it. Nicole tells Lucy she swaggered out and made it her own. Again, I think this is praise but I'm not entirely sure. Tulisa congratulates Lucy for not going for the sympathy vote.

District 3 - I Swear
Yep, they're still sticking with the name. Oh well.
Louis has chosen their song this week. They're not fans of it, so it'll probably be horrible.
Ok, it's not awful. It's just awfully cheesy. I'm not sure Louis is aware that music has moved on in the last 20 years. At the moment he just seems to be taking boy bands and turning them into Westlife wannabies.
Tulisa understands why Louis picked the song - because their harmonies are their strong point. Barlow hated it all. I don't think there's one thing he liked about them at all, but he could just be having a dig at Louis. Nicole thinks it was like a warm apple pie, which is nice, but she would prefer some tabasco with it. Louis thinks they're a world class band. Sit down, Walsh, they're not that good.

Jade - Love Is A Losing Game
Aha! The dry ice machine is out. Was wondering when it would make an appearance. Jade's good as well this week! Seriously don't want to call who will be leaving.
Barlow is full of praise. Nicole thinks Jade is an exotic flower who has been picked out of the wilderness. What is Sherzinger on tonight? Whatever it is, make sure she has it every Saturday please, because the stuff coming out of her mouth is brilliant.

Dermot goes into the audience to meet friends and family of the contestants. Or, as I like to call them, the plebs. I'm not interested Dermot, move on.

MK1 - I Want You Back
I don't like these two so I'm hoping they have a rubbish performance. I'm nice like that. This week they've tried to make Louis more urban. Fighting a losing battle there, guys. In fact, the battle is probably already lost.
I really don't want to like this. Isn't it annoying when you try really hard to dislike something, and it's actually quite good? Damn it.
Tulisa praises them for having fun on stage. Barlow thinks it's gone a bit Glee this week. Nicole didn't feel it either because it went too Glee. Apparently I'm a sucker for cheese. Louis defends them by saying it's fun and energetic. Well, so were Jedward but you wouldn't ever buy their songs, would you?

Kye - I Love The Way You Lie
I really like Kye. He seems to have his own ideas about how he wants to stage his performance, and he's quite happy to take a risk (he chucked in some Dido), but I don't know what to make of this.
Nicole liked it but felt that the performance didn't grab her. I'd agree actually. Louis says he got bored and blames Gary, because he's a moron. Hush your face Louis, the grown-ups are talking. Tulisa thinks the audience hasn't seen what Kye is all about. Barlow is defensive.

Rylan - Too many bloody songs to count
Rylan may well be getting even camper by the week.
Rylan starts by singing a Take That song, just for a joke. The look on Gary's face is priceless. Well played! Vocals are obviously nowhere near the level of the other contestants, but it's definitely entertaining.
Louis obviously loves it. Tulisa says it's entertaining. Barlow: "If this was a competition for how many songs you could kill in two minutes, you'd win." Rylan bites back by telling Gary he's got a taxi booked for him, in case he wants to storm off again. Heh. Nicole praises Rylan for not being afraid to take a risk. She also says he was doing two things on stage: li-ving. I like you, Nicole, but don't joke about with the English language like that.

Melanie - The Song Off The John Lewis Advert
Melanie is very grateful that people voted for her. She cries she's so grateful.
Not a fan of the flared white trousers. Bit weird and breathy at the start but she's soon belting out the chorus. In fact, she's dangerously close to shouting rather than belting. Watch it, Mel.
Nicole thinks the performance showed us that Melanie can do everything. Louis likes that Mel can sing old school and new school. What's new school? Someone ask Louis to explain please. Tulisa was worried for a bit in the middle, but was relieved when Melanie pulled out 'them power notes'.

Aaaand that's your lot! Lots of good performances this week. I don't know who will be going. Thoughts, anyone!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

X Factor 2012 (6th October)

For those of you who have read some of my previous recaps and have decided to return for this year's X Factor - welcome and thanks for coming back. It's lovely to see a friendly face.

For those of you who may have accidentally stumbled across this little blog for the first time this year, hello and welcome. I should probably explain a few things.

  1. I don't have anything to do with the show
    If I did, I'd be there in the studio, watching it live, rather than writing sarcastic bloglets about it while slobbing around on the sofa in pyjamas with a glass (or two) of wine.
  2. I try to keep these bloglets clean
    But I normally write while I'm watching the show. So sometimes, if there is a particularly exciting moment, I may get carried away and the occasional 'bloody hell' might accidentally slip in. 
  3. This year, I haven't watched the auditions
    I think I've seen two episodes (one of auditions, one of bootcamp). This was partly because I wanted to be as impartial as possible, and not have pre-conceived ideas about the contestants in the live shows, but mainly because I was out of the country when this year's show started and never really caught up.
  4. Louis will not be taken seriously
    I've never really understood why Louis Walsh is a judge on X Factor, given that approximately 98% of what comes out of the man's mouth is nonsense. So, he gets quite a lot of abuse in these bloglets. If you are particularly fond of Mr. Walsh, it may be a good idea to give these a miss.
So, without further ado, let's get this show on the road, shall we?

We start with a quick recap about how the finalists reached the live finals. Goodness, it looks rather dramatic. I'm quite glad I wasn't watching all of that; I don't think I'd have coped.

Next we're introduced to all the finalists and informed that the winner of the 'wild card' will be announced later. This would probably mean more to me if I'd been watching the rest of the series, but I'll just go with it for now.

Dermot and his entourage are on the stage. Are they doing the dancing thing which they started last year? Of course they bloody are. This week it's to Gangnam Style, which is a promising start, but Dermot's pretty awful and ruins it. Well done, O'Leary.

The judges enter to the Superman theme. Obviously.

Oh blimey, the wild cards are here already; we're not hanging about. The winner is someone called Chris Maloney. He falls over and looks like he needs medical attention. Drama queen.

Goodness me, the voting lines are already open. No, we haven't heard them sing yet, they've just walked on stage. Apparently walking is worth a vote.

Just FYI, tonight's theme is heroes. I love it when there's a theme. It's always fun to see just how far they're going to stretch it.

District 3 - Simply The Best
Ah they're a boy band. Apparently they had to change their name quite late in the game, so they asked the internet ... and clearly the internet hated them, because the best name it suggested was District 3. Really? You went with District 3? I already don't like you, boys.
It's a very different version to the original but they start well and sound quite nice together. It's just ... kinda ... boring.
Tulisa, who doesn't realise that some sort of creature has attached itself to her cleavage, thinks they did a good job. Barlow thinks they'll probably be somewhere in the middle in terms of tonight's performance. I'll translate - he thought it was average. Louis thinks they're ace. He's easily impressed.

One Direction is/are here. No, I don't care for them either, so I'll just wait until they leave.

... and they're gone. Good.

James Arthur - What Doesn't Kill You
I recognise this guy. I think I liked him.
Judging by the perfectly coiffured hair, the makeover team have clearly had their grubby little hands on poor James. I'm not sure about this song choice for him. Again, it's good - probably better than District 3 - but it doesn't make me think 'wow'.
Louis thinks James will go far and congratulates all the people of Middlesborough. Random. Barlow wants James to keep his integrity. (Clearly he doesn't like the hair either)

Melanie Masson - With A Little Help From My Friends
Her daughter is the girl from Brave! Well, she's Scottish and has ginger hair.
Mel's standing on a box and looks like she means business ... and goodness me this woman has a set of lungs on her! She probably doesn't need the microphone. Wow! This is how it's done, District 3! She's awesome. I have an early favourite.
Nicole praises Melanie for singing for her life. (What we often don't realise is that the finalists who get booted out of the competition get taken outside and shot - sad but true). Tulisa reckons Mel's got some of the strongest vocals in the competition. Barlow thanks Melanie for giving the 'overs' category back some integrity (he's all about the integrity tonight) ... and what the hell does he mean? Wagner had tonnes of integrity, didn't he?

Lucy Spraggan - Mounted (it's her own song)
I'm impressed she's put her foot down and is singing her own song, especially on the first live show. I'm very impressed actually. The audience obviously doesn't know it, and can't sing along, so it probably took a hell of a lot of guts. Good on you, Lucy
Barlow thinks she's a good song writer. Praise indeed! Nicole thinks she's spunky.

MK1 - Born A Champion (maybe - I don't know the song)
These two I remember, because in bootcamp, when they had to sing against another group, the girl was a knob and got in the other people's way. Poor sportsmanship that is.
They're probably good. I don't know, it's not my kind of music.
Tulisa thinks she doesn't have the strongest voice in the competition. Well, no - clearly. Barlow reckons she's sung better and he also has a pop at Louis by asking what part of the performance was his idea. I can answer that - none. None part. You want to know how I know? No stools for them to sit on.

Christopher Maloney - Hero
This man is orange. Like actually orange. Aside from being a strange colour, he's also very nervous, which makes me nervous.
Well he seems to make a good start. I wouldn't have guessed he was nervous. He sings nicely but unfortunately it's a boring song choice, and following on from MK1 (who I am told, are very 'current') his performance is dated.
Nicole says it was cheesy - yep. Louis says it was heartfelt. Tulisa thinks the song choice was dated - boo ya, I could be a judge - and Barlow tells Christopher to leave the sunbeds for a bit.

Are we halfway through yet? I think we are. I hope we are.

Union J - Don't Stop Me Now
Another boy band. Apparently one of them is new and the others don't remember the band before he joined. Clearly some sort of quite serious memory loss situation going on there.
Excellent song. Bit apprehensive about a boy band doing it ... and yep ... they're ruining it. Dear god make it stop. It's pretty horrible. Oh good, it's over. They don't look very happy. They shouldn't be happy with themselves after that performance.
Tulisa wasn't feeling it but if there's a silver lining, it's that she thinks any faults were not theirs (i.e. they were Louis'). Barlow reckons Louis has destroyed them. Tulisa and Louis fight for a bit and Nicole interrupts with the diplomatic, "Well done for performing together tonight as a band." Dermot speaks to the band and one of the guys says that next time, "Maybe we'll try another song." Yeah, probably a good idea not to stick with the same song for the next 10 weeks.

Jade Ellis - Hero
I don't really like the song (it's Enrique Iglesias) but she sings it well and she has pretty shoes. She's cool. She can be my second favourite for now.
Barlow thinks Jade will surprise everyone. Nicole thinks the song was in slightly the wrong key for Jade. Louis thinks she deserves to be on the stage. Tulisa thinks she's captivating.

Rylan Clark - Gold
I remember him! I can't remember if he can sing though.
He answers my question fairly swiftly: no. I've never been to a Kylie concert, but I'm pretty sure this is what it's like. You know what? This wouldn't look out of place at Eurovision. If he's the UK entry next year you remember that I called it first, ok?
Louis thinks it's amazing and loves his vocals. Apparently we're watching different shows. Tulisa doesn't think the competition would be the same without Rylan - no shit. Barlow says he was having fun until Rylan started singing. Wow! I mean, I know we're all thinking it ... but to say it to his face! Goshies.

Kye Sones - Man In The Mirror
I haven't seen Kye before but I like him. He seems genuinely excited about all the X Factor buzz. Oh good, he's ace at singing too. Ok, he's another favourite.
Louis thinks it was an incredible performance and says Kye will get a record deal. Barlow reckons the production crew spent the budget on Rylan and had nothing left over for Kye. No, they were probably just trying to hide Rylan's vocals behind all the gold and sequins.

Ella Henderson - Rule The World
Ella is the youngest in the competition. She's 16 so she was born in 1996. That sickens me a bit. She also has a beautiful voice. This sickens me even more. If she didn't sicken me so much she would be on my favourites list. She gets a little screechy/strained towards the end, so she's not quite so sickening.
Barlow thinks it was stunning. Nicole thinks she is from another planet and seems to worship her a bit. Tulisa reminds us Ella is only 16. Being 'only 16' is clearly going to be her thing.

Carolynne Poole - Starships
"This literally is a dream come true for me." - I don't like her already.
I don't like this version of the song (it's much slower) and I am distracted by the fact that Carolynne looks like if Shania Twain and Cheryl Cole were to get smushed together into one person.
Nicole thinks it was a bold song choice, which I think is diplomatic for, "I didn't like it." Louis thinks she's like the UK version of Shania Twain - I am on fire tonight! Tulisa (quite rightly) wonders how the song fits into this week's hero theme.

Jahmene Douglas - Imagine
Aw, Jahmene seems ADORABLE! He's going on my favourites list even before he sings. Oh good, he's aces at singing as well as being adorable. He looks quite nervous though, and I think he's glad to get it over with.
Louis is Jahmene's biggest fan. Tulisa thinks he's got the strongest male vocals the X Factor has ever seen. Nicole is glad Jahmene has "found his balls." And on that bombshell, I think we'll bring this bloglet to an end. If you enjoyed reading (which I hope you did), be sure to come back next week!