We begin tonight's proceedings with some interesting news. Apparently I am not alone in disliking Tulisa's trademark arm gesture. Ofcom is investigating complaints that, by flashing her tattoo each week (The Female Boss), Tulisa is illegally advertising her perfume (TFB). The fact that she could have broken product placement rules just by showing her arm is, to me at least, rather hilarious and I am looking forward to seeing what she does in tonight's show.
So, quarter final week is upon us. This means there are only five acts remaining and, in order to pad the show out a bit, they will be performing two songs each. To complicate things further there will also be not one, but two, themes: guilty pleasure songs and songs by idols. I am intrigued by the former.
Do you think if I complain to Ofcom we can get Dermot to stop this RIDICULOUS 'dancing'? Because I'll do it. I've got my pen and paper ready on standby.
Just FYI Tulisa decides to ignore Ofcom and does a double arm salute. There'll be complaints ...
Little Mix (Justin Bieber/Diana Ross)
This week Little Mix went to Winter Wonderland. No, I don't know what connection this has to the show either but it looks like they had fun. Good for them.
The stage, for some unknown reason, looks like a '50s diner. Unfortunately I don't think they sound great ... but actually they're getting better by the time they start the Diana Ross part of the medley and by the end of it, it's not a bad performance. Just not a particularly exciting one.
Louis thinks it was lacking something this week, I'd agree. Kelly really really believes in these girls. She has lots of constructive criticism but she talks too fast for me to type them all. Gary enjoyed the performance and can't wait for the next one. Tulisa replies to Louis' comment by just saying 'sabotage, sabotage, sabotage' ... great comeback.
Janet (Hanson - Mmm Bop)
This week Janet turned on the Christmas lights in her hometown. Apparently she is not really a Christmas person (WTF? Get out, Devlin) but did enjoy switching on the lights. I should hope so too.
How is this a guilty pleasure? No, let me rephrase that - how does Janet know about this song? She can't have been more than a wee nipper when it was released. This is kind of boring ... and oh my god she's forgotten the words! That's the second time she's done that on the show. Two strikes and you're out, Miss Devlin. How can you forget the words to a song that is your guilty pleasure? Especially when there aren't really any words to remember.
Louis thinks she 'kind of messed up' (apparently she felt like she was going to chunder on stage - eeww). Tulisa thinks it is a mediocre performance but is positive that there is another song for her to redeem herself with. Gary says the performance was 'a real mess' - copy that, Barlow. Kelly reminds Janet she is a fighter. I disagree, Rowland - she's the most un-fighter-y person on the show. As if demonstrating my point, Janet whines pathetically about feeling ill to Dermot. Man up.
Incidentally, something which just I just spotted on twitter that made me laugh is someone saying, "Next time I forget to do something I'm going to blame sickness." Ha!
Misha (Cyndi Lauper - Girls Wanna Have Fun)
Following on from Gary's comments last week, Misha will be returning to the style of her original audition. Good move, Misha. I predict good things for this performance, don't let me down.
For the record, this does not qualify as 'guilty pleasure': this is just 'pleasure'. Please continue Misha. She's made the song her own and it's ace. I may even consider downloading it, that's how good it is. Seriously, there's nothing to pick apart and take the piss out of. In that respect it's a little disappointing.
Louis thanks god Misha is still in the competition. Tulisa agrees with me and tells Misha that there is 'not one bad thing to say about the performance'. Gary is full of praise. Kelly is also full of praise but the audience is chanting Misha's name and I can't really hear what she's saying.
Just one thing to note is that during her little talk with Dermot, Misha talks about herself in the third person. Put a stop to that right now, missy.
Marcus (Wham! - I'm Your Man)
Marcus informs me that Gary has been more than a mentor to him .... mmmmhmmmm? Oh apparently he just means he's been a friend. How dull.
It's good. It normally is. Again there's not much to take the piss out of ... although the dancers have all just produced tambourines seemingly out of nowhere. Where the chickens did they come from? I am flumouxed.
Louis thinks Marcus is a potential popstar - well I'd hope that's what you think by this stage of the competition. Tulisa loves it and describes the performance as 'a journey' - ugh. Kelly says Marcus gave her everything tonight. I think she actually has a bit of a crush on him. Gary orders Marcus to start believing in himself.
Amelia - who, according to Kelly, is ready to 'shut the building down' (T'Pau - China In Your Hand)
Meh, I am so bored by Amelia's VT that I can't be bothered to recap it.
Loving the dress! Very nice floaty number. Oh yes, the singing ... yep, all good in the hood except she does have a tendancy to edge towards shouting rather than singing. Maybe we don't give her a microphone next week and she can just belt it out?
Louis thinks she is a ready-made popstar. Tulisa says the vocal was beautiful and remarks on how Amelia gets lost in the music. Gary clearly has nothing interesting to say as he spends far too long reminding us of Amelia's journey through the competition. Kelly apparently didn't know the song before Amelia sang it.
Halfway there, folks. Hang in there.
Little Mix (Christina Aguilalelalrlelarla - Beautiful)
Obligatory chairs and dry ice. It's pretty good - some bits stick out because individually I don't think the girls are as good as Christina, but on the whole it's a very good version. And ahh, they all stand up and have a hug at the end. The Gremlin is in tears.
Louis thinks they've 'pulled it out the bag' and insists, again, that 'we need some girl power'. Kelly says it was a great job. Gary likes the friendship they have as a band. Tulisa thinks it was the best performance they've done. In case you're interested, my dad thinks this is 'absolute bollocks'. He's such a charmer.
Janet (Red Hot Chilli Peppers - I Don't Ever Want To Feel)
Hopefully she's been revising the lyrics since her last performance.
Great start - sounds very good ... but the chorus isn't great. At least she's remembered all the words so far. I have just noticed that there's a massive image of her head on the wall behind her and it's actually very unnerving. Take it away.
Louis wasn't crazy about the song choice but says that 'everybody in Ireland is lifting the phone and voting' for her. Prove it, Walsh, prove it. Gary doesn't think Janet's having a good week but likes that she has been her own person throughout the show.
Misha (Killing Me Softly)
Why is she really annunciating the 't' in softly? No one does that. Stop it.
Perfect song choice, Misha. I'd be shocked and disappointed if she doesn't get a record deal after the show. Regardless of whether she wins the competition or not she just looks and sounds like an established artist already.
Tulisa thinks this is Misha's best week. Gary prefered the first song. Kelly is very proud and says 'beautiful performance, mama'. High praise indeed.
Marcus (Stevie Wonder - Lately)
Amazing red grand piano! I want one. I'd learn to play it. Eventually.
I hate to admit it, but it's not a great start. Come on Marcus, sort it out. He begins to heed my advice and things start to improve. Bless him, no one can accuse him of not trying.
Louis reminds us that it is a talent show and that Marcus has talent - state the bleeding obvious, Walsh. Tulisa alludes to Marcus' tough childhood and praises him for just getting on with it. Kelly and Gary are both extremely positive.
Amelia (Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone)
I like the song but I fear that this is another opportunity for Amelia to shout at me for 3 minutes ... *volume down*
Amelia has decided to wander around the audience at the start of her song but don't worry folks, she makes it back to her podium just in time for the chorus. Disappointingly she wimps out of the really big notes, though this is probably a good thing for the sake of my ears. Thanks for being considerate, Amelia: much appreciated.
Louis thinks she makes it look effortless and he wants everyone in the north of England vote for her. Not anywhere else then, Louis? Tulisa wisely says that it was a little shouty. Gary thinks her songs are sometimes pitched a bit too high. Kelly says something about Amelia being able to hit the big notes in her sleep. Geez, she's that noisy while she sleeps? Crikey.
We are shown reminders of each performance and my hypothetical vote this week goes to Misha.
Whew, that was a long recap. Thanks for taking the time to read.