Howdie y'all! (I've been working on my generic American accent. Pretty good, no?)
Come on in out of the rain and sit yourself down. Let me take your coat for you. Do help yourself to nibbles. Can I get you a glass of wine?
So, I must start this evening's proceedings with some bad news. Are you sitting down? You've got your wine, haven't you? Good. I'm ever so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but Mr. Cocozza has decided to leave this year's X Factor. Mmm, yes, I know ... terrible shock, isn't it? Here is a video clip of a press conference he attended earlier in the week in which he explains the reasons behind his decision and apologises for his behaviour (please watch - it's very insightful).
I think that clears things up nicely, thanks Frankie.
So Frankie's departure has left a gap in the competition and the show's producers have decided that, instead of just having no one leave on Sunday, they would like to allow one of the four acts that was booted out in the first week of live shows to rejoin the competition. I am sure the decision was made out of the desire to give one of the acts another chance ... not because it was an opportunity to make more money from public votes.
Incidentally, while we wait for things to kick off, did you know that I am 23.75 years old today? I'm looking forward to 12th May 2013 because then I'll be 25.25 and I can sing this:
(Obviously the digits following the decimal point are not 'twenty five' but 'twenty five hundredths', however, 'twenty five hundredths' doesn't fit as nicely into the song so we shall have to deal with this inaccuracy when the time comes for me to sing in mid May 2013).
Right, let's get this show on the road, shall we? Oh, apparently the show is not ready to go on the road just yet as the itv announcer man announces that there are some technical difficulties preventing X Factor from starting. Talk amongst yourselves, folks.
After we are shown 'highlights' from this year's competition we are FINALLY able to start the live show and Mr. Dramatic reminds us that one act will be voted into the competition. I've already been through that, get on with it.
Dermot and his mini entourage of two enter and lordy, lordy, lordy they're really sticking with this dancing thing. It's still shocking. I'm sure if Simon was still here this malarky would be halted immediately.
Time for the judges to enter. Tulisa does the trademark stupid arm thing. Grr. Dermot informs me that tonight's theme is Lady Ga Ga and Queen. This is an odd combination but I'll go with it.
There is now a segment about Frankie leaving and, because I have already been over this, I am taking this opportunity to refill my wine glass. Cheers.
Singing first is Kitty (Queen - Don't Stop Me Now ). If she is wearing trousers or a skirt, or in fact ANYTHING on her bottom half I'll ... I'll ... I'll eat my hat. She starts things off in a chariot complete with dancers pretending to be horses (obviously) so I am unable to determine what she is wearing. Oh no! There is a skirt! Dammit. Well played, Kitty, well played.
Tulisa says the song suited her well. Kelly whitters on about something which I don't understand (I don't think Kitty understands it either). Gary offers some constructive criticism. Dermot draws our attention back to the 'prancing leather horses'.
After the break Dermot reminds me of the numbers to call to vote one of the four acts back in. You're alright, Derm, I won't be voting.
Craig is next (Ga Ga - Paparazzi). He tells me that he enjoyed his performance last week and was proud he managed to include some dance moves - did you Craigy? Did you? I remember side steps but not actual dancing.
Very simple staging and the song being slowed right down gives Craig yet another chance to show off his amazing voice. There's even a key change thrown in for good measure. It's pretty perfect and he's a nice guy but I just don't see him winning the competition. I don't know why.
Louis loves the arrangement. For Tulisa it was the best performance Craig has done. Kelly wonders if Craig realises how great he is and she likes that he made the song his own. Gary is obviously full of praise.
Another break and I miss the John Lewis Christmas advert because I am changing into jim jams (white with grey spots if you were wondering).
Phew, back in time to see Little Mix performing. I'm fairly sure Tulisa introduces them in a mock Cheryl Cole accent. Odd, Tulisa. Odd. Anyway, Little Mix were shocked that The Risk left last week. They are determined to work extra hard now that they are the only group left in the group. (Queen - Radio Ga Ga - which satisfyingly fits both criteria ... oh no it's now morphed into Ga Ga's Telephone. Confusing).
I like this. It's not particularly different from the original but it sounds good.
Louis thinks "Little Mix, big future" nice one, Walsh. Kelly wants them to tighten up their harmonies (cue booing from the audience). Gary thinks Tulisa is running out of ideas for them (cue more booing) and directly asks them whether they want to do something different. They clearly all DO want to do something different because there is much mumbling amongst them before one of them manages a "We'll take all of the judges' comments onboard" translation: "Yes, we'd like to do something different but we're afraid of expressing our views right now without checking with our mentor what our views are supposed to be."
IT'S CHRISTMAS! IT'S OFFICIAL! THE COCA COLA ADVERT WAS JUST ON THE TELLY!
Janet's up. Because she had a crappy week last week (forgetting the words and all that jazz) Kelly wants to remind her of the girl who came to auditions and bootcamp.
(Queen - Somebody To Love). Very slow, stripped back version. I'm not convinced. She sounds good but it's all just a little too boring for my liking ... dear lord this is dragging on.
Louis disagrees with me completely. Tulisa can see a market and a fanbase for Janet. Gary is starting to lose interest and wisely says that it was a boring performance. Kelly swoops in to defend her act. Dermot disagrees with the judges and bravely tries to take them on, saying Janet is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. He also tells me that it is Janet's birthday today. Happy birthday, Devlin.
Marcus is up next. He's starting to feel like he could become a pop star. That's the spirit, Marcus. He feels like he has finally found his identity. Good for you.
(Queen - Another One Bites The Dust) It's a kind of big band arrangement and, because I have a soft spot for this kid, I really like it. I would go so far as to describe it as toe-tappingly good. And there's even glitter thrown in at the end. Excellent.
Louis reckons he's got tonnes of charisma. Tulisa doesn't like Marcus doing the same style of song as last week as she feels he has more variety. Kelly agrees and wants him to have more fun on stage. Gary describes the girls' comments as 'tactical critique' - takes one to know one, Barlow. Did you really think Janet was THAT boring? I did, but I'm not the mentor of other acts in the competition. Just saying.
Oh, Lady Ga Ga will be performing on the Sunday show. The theme is making a little more sense.
Misha is next. She likes to know she has support 'out there'. Apparently the song she will be singing 'touches a special place in [her] heart' (Ga Ga - Born This Way). It starts off slowly. Please pick up the tempo, I'm not sure I can deal with another slow one. The tempo remains relatively slow but the sound of a load of marching band drums suddenly appears. Oh, there are also lots of dancers. Where did they come from? They are wearing costumes which remind me of Steps' Deeper Shade Of Blue video (that was an ace one, wasn't it?)
Tulisa thinks it was amazing and the performance reminded her that Misha is one of the strongest vocalists. Gary praises her attitude. Kelly is very proud.
We're nearly there, folks. Just one more to go. And the act returning to the competition is ... (yes we're already running 15 minutes late but we're still going to build up the tension) ... Amelia. I have neither good nor bad feelings about this. If I could sum up my feelings towards Amelia in a noise it would be 'meh'. Can she still be voted out of the competition tomorrow? That would be hilarious.
(Queen - Show Must Go On - love this song). How old is this kid? I had forgotten what an amazing voice she has. The performance is ever so dramatic - fireworks AND dry ice (I know, right?)
Louis doesn't know what to say (probably best not to say anything then, Walsh). Tulisa reckons she's come in at the same level as the other acts in the competition. Gary says it was sensational and smiles as he says "The Great British public love a come-back." Heh. Kelly wishes to welcome her the freaking back (actual words).
Well that's your lot! Tough call this week, I don't know who I would vote for. Possibly Amelia but I do think it would be hilarious if she left tomorrow.
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave comments.