Evening all. Hope you're sitting comfortably. If you're not, may I suggest you find somewhere comfortable to sit as we've got two hours of DOI to get through tonight. Two hours? You could fly to Paris and back in that time. Well actually you couldn't because you'd have to meet Mickey before you flew back and that would take AT LEAST half an hour. Anyway ... back to the task in hand ...
If I'm not mistaken, tonight we will see another 8 celebrities skating. Yup, the show's on for 2 hours and there are only 8 performances ... that's one pair every 15 minutes ... that's a hell of a lot of faffing.
The professional skaters are starting the show again! I hope this continues throughout the course of the series because they're ace. You know who's not ace? Pixie Lott. No, that's not fair, she's normally okay but something's not right tonight and she sounds like she's losing her voice and having to force it. Oh phew, Phillip and Not-Holly have turned up to introduce the celebrities and we don't have to listen to Pixie any longer. Well done, you two.
Not-Holly goes to have a little chat with the judges and oh dear lord I've only just taken notice of her hair tonight. She's tried to copy Katerina's from last week but it's not worked, it's not worked! Take it away!
Jennifer and Dan
Right, immediately I foresee issues with these two. Not because of anything they've said or done, but because she reminds me of Kerry Katona and that is just NOT GOOD.
Wow, that girl can do the splits! I like this routine, it's very cute. Bit safe but it's nice. Yep, I think the word for it is nice. Considering people who have been partnered with Dan in the past have tended towards being carried around the rink, Jennifer's doing a good job of skating.
Tony informs me the routine ended with a 'scorpion kiss'. If you say so, Gubba.
Judges' score: 15.5. Only Chemmy and Jorgie scored higher last week (16.0 and 18.5 respectively if you were wondering).
Sam and Alexandra
(The other one off of Sam and Mark)
Straight away we're in Dad Dancing territory, so I therefore love him. Speed over the ice isn't great but he's doing quite a lot on his own and there are some pretty tricky elements ... if this doesn't earn him a better score than Mark last week, I'll eat my shoe.
Judges' score: 15.5 (Mark scored 8.0). Louie feels Sam could really progress in the competition, Robin is impressed with Sam's confidence.
Rosemary and Mark
Two quick facts for you.
1. This is apparently the fulfilment of a dream for Rosemary.
2. Her skating partner thinks she seems like the perfect grandmother.
She's going to be the one who gets a slow routine every week, isn't she? Although, having said that, there's quite a stumble at the start of the routine and she may not actually make it through to future weeks of the competition ...
For the rest of the routine she seems to relax and, all in all, apart from the stumble at the beginning, it is alright.
Judges' score: 12.5
Rosemary informs us it's a huge privilege for her to be on the show because (and I quote), "It's the greatest show on Earth" Word, Rosemary, word.
Louie is thankful for the early stumble because it made Rosemary relax, Katerina thinks Rosemary is an inspiration. Basically everyone is ever so impressed that Rosemary is 65 and still looks as good as she does.
Laila and Lukasz
The VT puts a lot of emphasis on an early shoulder injury which puts Laila back a number of weeks, so I'm not expecting much from this performance.
She's singing along to the song! I love her for it. It's not the same standard as others in the competition but, you know what, it's more than I could do, so good on you, Laila. I hope you get through to next week.
Judges' score: 9.5
Sebastien and Brianne
Apparently this guy was the founder of free-running so I am expecting experimentally fantastic things from him.
It's good ... in a kind of 'he's added lots of his own ideas regardless of what Torvill and Dean have said' kind of a way. And that irks me. Also, the worries in the VT of him not realising it's a team sport show through in the routine because, at times, it looks like he doesn't realise Brianne is on the ice with him.
Judges' score: 17.5
Louie likes the separation in the routine because it's contemporary, so clearly I'm wrong.
Chico and Jodeyne
Chico is one of those people whom you either love or hate. Haven't made my mind up yet. I'll get back to you.
He's good. I don't feel nervous watching him, which is always a bonus for the first week. He's also fairly speedy and judging by the footage on the VT, he's a fast learner.
Tony: "If his talent matched his confidence he'd be an Olympic champion."
Judges' score: 18.5 That's the same as Jorgie last week. I thought it was good but not THAT good. Goodness.
Katerina picks up on an earlier comment about Chico being a horse in a race and not wanting to fall at the final hurdle, by saying that he has the potential to be a thoroughbred. Good one, Kat.
Louie nearly explodes with campness.
Only two more to go and, because we've still got half an hour of the show, the producers decide to fill some time with a video of reactions of those who skated last week. No, I'm not very interested either.
Corey and Brooke
Corey was apparently in The Goonies. Anything since then? And WHAT ON EARTH is that RIDICULOUS piece of hair for? He looks like Creepy Thin Man from the Charlie's Angels films. Apparently it has its own twitter account (@Coreysbitofhair)
During training Christopher Dean actually utters the words, "Basically he can't do anything." I am looking forward to this immensely.
Much to my disappointment he's not that bad. I mean, he's bad and very unstable but I was expecting a Todd Carty level of skill.
Tony accidentally calls him 'Corrie', like the soap, which fills me with no end of joy.
Judges' score: 11.0
Katerina thinks it looks like Corey is walking on raw eggs when he skates.
Matthew and Nina
Matthew is arrogance/confidence personified. I dislike him. He will probably be amazing. He may well be this year's Ray bloody Quinn.
Gayest outfit ever, and that's saying a lot for Dancing on Ice. Very leathery. Yep, he's good. Nope, I don't like him.
Judges' score: 20.5 ... oh squidgey arse farts he's got the highest score out of the first two weeks.
Louie is practically lost for words and that is saying A LOT for him, Katerina wants him to get rid of the leather, Robin is excited for the rest of the series.
Right, that's your lot, I'm off to get started on the Baileys during Wild at Heart. See you next time!