Dancing On Ice. All 2.3 hours of it.

Hello hello.

Dancing on Ice is on tonight. I have decided to write a bloglet about it in real time (this means it jumps around all over the place, apologies). Here it is.

Holly looks a bit like a Greek goddess tonight in her white dress. I think I like it. Yes, I do like it. Well done Willoughby, good choice.

My god it's taken approximately two years to introduce all the skaters. It's going to be a long night, folks.

So, the judges' scores actually count this week. Good, finally there is an actual point to them being in the studio. Although, I still do not like or understand why the scores are suddenly out of 10 rather than 6. Has the scoring system changed for professional skating competitions or do producers think we can't handle a score out of 6?

Oh oh oh, I must interupt this rant because Vanilla Ice is about to skate.
Mr. Ice has very dark hair. Perhaps I am only noticing it because he is usually surgically attached to his baseball cap.
Oh my, a different hat! Mr. Ice looks very dashing this week in his sparkly top hat. Goshies.
Well he is one cool customer. Very well done. 6.5 out of 10. [Judges gave him 15].

Wait a minute, when do Torvill and Dean skate? They seem to have shoes on rather than skates. Grover Mauve does not like.

FYI Jason's 'thing' for this series seems to be flatcaps. I prefered the ridiculous ties to be honest.

BREAKING NEWS: Emma just announced her engagement. Congratulations and all that jazz but why the hell are you announcing it on Dancing on Ice? Random, Bunton, random.

Ok, Chloe 'the nose' Madeley is up next. Apparently she's doing some scary lift which involves her standing on her partner's legs without slicing them. Cue the unnecessarily dramatic music. Will he end the dance with both legs? Only time will tell ...
N.B. She's skating to Miley Cyrus' The Climb (#fail).
Well he still SEEMS to have legs ... 7.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 19]. "If you want to see Chloe in next week's showy then vote for her when lines open". Dear oh dear oh dear, Schofield.

Who's next? Ah, Denise Welch who last week was described as looking like she was skating with her son. (Skating to ABBA's Gimme Gimme Gimme). Wow. Campest outfits ever. The guy she's skating with is wearing a gold crop top. No joke. I can't concentrate on their skating.
I don't think I can score that, I was so shocked by the clothes. [Judges gave 9].

Dominic ... something to do with cricket apparently ... zzz ... bored ... is skating next. Torvill tells me they've given him the 'death spiral' at the end of the routine. If it goes wrong will it actually end in actual death? Ok, I'm going to be good and concentrate on the skating this time ... (skating to Robbie Williams' Feel).
Oimoi no death at the end of the death spiral. 5.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 11.5]. Jason's told him what was missing from his routine was 'a yellow brick road'. I do not understand. I think the flatcap is too tight.

What's the deal with these Macleans sponsorship adverts by the way?

Someone else I don't know or care about is skating next. Laura somebody. Apparently she's a television presenter. Of what, exactly? Something crappy, no doubt.
I have no idea why I dislike her so much! (Skating to Kylie's All The Lovers).
7.5 out of 10. If I liked you more, Laura, it would have been 8.0. [Judges gave 19.5].
"Laura is as enthusiastic as a labrador puppy chasing a loo roll." Says voice over man (Tony?) What a description.
LMAO! Jason just described her legs as 'stumpy' - brilliant!

Steven who either is, or used to be, on Coronation Street next.
Naughty boy, he didn't turn up to choreography. I think he'd better leave the competition now. No one insults the mighty Torvill and Dean by not turning up to practice and gets away with it. (Skating to Freedom Of The Night). Ha ha, he looks like a moron doing his dance moves, I think T&D got their revenge.
3.5 out of 10. [Judges gave 7.0 - ouch].
"You're a natural. Disaster." Another corker from Jason.

Jeff (who had two kids with Jade Goody) dancing to Jackson 5's I Want You Back. I like the purple outfits. This is a good start, Mr. Jeff. Bit of a wobble on one of the spins but he managed not to drop his skating partner. 5.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 11.0].

Missed Comedy Dave. [Judges gave 9.5].

Jennifer from Hollyoaks who just described getting through the skate-off as 'like having a baby'. She is therefore a moron. Oh my god she sliced her own leg open in rehearsals! I'm eating here! Did not need to see her bloody leg. [Judges gave 19.5].

Sam (last week's wonder boy) ... from Hollyoaks ...? Skating to Stop And Stare.
Ok, this guy is this year's Ray Quinn without the annoyance factor. [Judges gave 25].

I'm starting to get bored of this. When's Wild At Heart going to be on?

Ok, army guy. Johnson. With broken finger (due to an ice skate falling off a table and onto his hand? Dude, you have to make up a better story than that). Oh geez he has pretty much no rhythm ... skating's not bad ... just don't let him dance T&D ... speaking of T&D, when are they going to skate for me? [Judges gave 13.0].

God, how many more are there to go? Oh, just Kerry Katona. Joyous.
"I'm in Dancing on Ice, can you believe it?" No, Kerry, I can't actually. Be a dear and leave, would you? Dear god this woman is loud and annoying and shrieky and shrill. Skating to Respect. (Side note on the outfits - you know when you've been Tango-d).
5.0 out of 10 for skating, minus 4.5 for the annoyance factor, I give you 0.5 out of 10, Katona. [Judges gave 14.0].

Well, that's it folks. All 2 hours and 20 minutes of Dancing on Ice succinctly recapped for you. A constant supply of alcoholic beverages would possibly have helped.

I'm off to watch the brilliant 'Wild at Heart'. Maybe if you're lucky I'll recap the Dancing on Ice results later.

Toodle pops.

P.S. Seriously, when's the Torvill and Dean dancing going to happen?