A thousand apologies for not recapping last week's show. I wasn't able to watch it live (I know, what's new there?) and then later discovered that Kye had left having been in the bottom two with Rylan. WITH RYLAN.
So I sulked.
Thankfully the sulking is now over and we can get on with tonight's show. Woot.
Theme: Best of British.
Oh holy crap, Wand Erection is/are on the show. I feel the sulk returning.
Christopher - I'm Still Standing
Christopher was apparently booed last week when he got through and the papers then accused him of voting for himself. Is that against the rules? If he is doing it, it's only his money he's wasting. We all know Christopher's not winning the X Factor, don't we? Let him vote for himself if he wants to. (He denies that he does this, by the way.)
Christopher seems nervous. This is a little out of his comfort zone and perhaps last week's boos are playing on his mind. Either way I don't think it's great. I am enjoying the 118-style dancers in the background though.
The audience loves it. Nicole likes the confidence but felt Chris was a little nervous. Louis thinks the song choice was good but that Chris isn't what the X Factor is about. Tulisa thinks Christopher has a great voice but that he always sings songs from the same era and she's bored. Gary thinks he nailed it.
Jahmene - Angels
Okay I shall try to rein in the Jahmene praise a bit this week.
He starts off a capella. It's Ja-mazing. Robbie should just stop performing this song because Jahmene does it better.
(I said I'd try)
Louis thinks Jahmene has star quality and that he should be in the final. Tulisa loves that Jahmene is a perfectionist. Gary says it was an incredible vocal performance. Nicole is moved and stirred by Jahmene.
District 3 - If I Saw You In Heaven
Can anyone actually name any of the members of District 3? Go on, have a go.
Nope, me neither.
Anyway, Tom, Dick and Harry have stripped back their performance this week (which means they're sitting on stools) and are concentrating on their vocals. The camera suddenly cuts to Louis, who is moving and a-grooving to this very slow song. He's an odd one.
Tulisa thinks Louis made a good decision in stripping everything back and concentrating on harmonies. Gary thinks there's something missing, but he doesn't know what. Nicole doesn't know what Gary's talking about because the boys brought tears to her eyes. She's rather emotional tonight. Louis blathers on about something but I'm pretty sure no one's listening.
Ella - Written In The Stars
Last week Ella realised she is the only girl left in the competition. No, she's not very observant, is she?
I'm starting to think that 'slowed down and stripped back' should be this week's theme. It's a really good version, though - I'm enjoying it. It's perhaps a little low for her at times but once she gets into the chorus it sounds ace.
Gary is fairly confident Ella won't be leaving the competition this weekend. Nicole reminds Ella she is the only girl left in the competition - is this her new thing now, instead of 'being only 16'? Louis thinks Ella is an old soul trapped in a young girl's body. Weird. Tulisa thinks the performance was epic. I have a bit of an issue with overuse of the word 'epic', so I don't agree with her, but it was still a great performance.
Rylan - Spice Girl Medley
As soon as Rylan heard that the theme was best of British, he knew that there was only one band he could sing. The Spice Girls (did you think he was going to say Wham too?) Turns out he is a massive, borderline stalker, fan of the girls.
He has his own video at the start of the performance! In it he skydives. Who else gets this much money spent on their performances? Pretty sure Barlow will take issue with this.
Oh yes, vocals. They're awful but what do you expect?
Louis thinks he's a brilliant showman (camp as Christmas but brilliant). Tulisa bloody loved it. Gary thinks it was brilliant fun (the audience goes mental at this point) but that the vocals were diabolical. Nicole climbs on the table and announces that it was a Rylan Spice explosion on stage.
Christ, Dermot's in the crowd again. Get out of there, O'Leary, they're probably germy.
Union J - Fix You
This week the boys are looking forward to their song as it has a strong connection with the armed forces. (Mum reckons they'll be singing In The Navy so I'm kinda disappointed when it's Fix You.) I don't know for certain, but I'm fairly sure this song has nothing to do with the army.
Tulisa thinks Louis is on a roll with his acts this week. Gary thinks it was a good performance. Nicole thanks them for recognising the men and women of the armed forces. The song has bugger all to do with the armed forces!
James - Home Town Glory
Judging by the video clips, James had an amazing time last week.
Sticking with this week's theme of slowed down and stripped back, James is alone on stage with his guitar. He's fast becoming a favourite of mine, actually. Not THE favourite, obviously. It's a very cool version of the song. I have no doubt that the judges will love it.
Louis thinks it's great to have someone like James on the X Factor because he's a brilliant interpreter of great songs. That was surprisingly erudite of Mr Walsh. Tulisa is happy to be a judge while James is on the show. Gary says it was brilliant and that James is ready to record an album right now. Nicole says James is the future of music.
I am told that Wand Erection will be performing. But there are no more contestants, right? Okay, TV off!
Thanks for reading :)