Last year I posted a bloglet in which I copied a passage I liked from the book I was reading at the time. Because it made for such an easy bloglet, and because I find this new book genuinely fascinating, I have decided to do it again.
So, the book in question this time is entitled The Etymologicon: A circular stroll through the hidden connections of the English language. I realise the name alone will probably be enough to send some of you to sleep but I implore (yep, implore) you to read on. I guarantee you won't be bored and, who knows, maybe you'll want to buy the book yourself.
Title: The Etymologicon: A Circular Stroll Through the Hidden Connections of the English Language
Author: Mark Forsyth
Only £5.84 from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Etymologicon-Circular-through-Connections-Language/dp/1848313071
Gambling in medieval France was a simple business. All you needed were some friends, a pot, and a chicken. In fact, you didn't need friends - you could do this with your enemies - but the pot and the chicken were essential.
First, each person puts an equal amount of money in the pot. Nobody should on any account make a joke about a poultry sum. Shoo the chicken away to a reasonable distance. What's a reasonable distance? About a stone's throw.
Next, pick up a stone.
Now, you all take turns hurling stones at that poor bird, which will squawk and flap and run about. The first person to hit the chicken wins all the money in the pot. You then agree never to mention any of this to an animal rights campaigner.
That's how the French played a game of chicken. The French, though, being French, called it a game of poule, which is French for chicken. And the chap who had won all the money had therefore won the jeu de poule.
The term got transferred to other things. At card games, the pot of money in the middle of the table came to be known as the poule. English gamblers picked the term up and brought it back with them in the seventeenth century. They changed the spelling to pool, but they still had a pool of money in the middle of the table.
It should be noted that this pool of money has absolutely nothing to do with a body of water. Swimming pools, rock pools and Liverpools are utterly different things.
Back to gambling. When billiards became a popular sport, people started to gamble on it, and this variation was known as pool, hence shooting pool. Then, finally, that poor French chicken broke free from the world of gambling and soared majestically out into the clear air beyond.
On the basis that gamblers pooled their money, people started to pool their resources and even pool their cars in a car pool. Then they pooled their typists in a typing pool. Le chicken was free! And then he grew bigger than any of us, because, since the phrase was invented in 1941, we have all become part of the gene pool, which, etymologically, means that we are all little bits of chicken.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Monday, 9 January 2012
Video Games
One of my favourite Christmas presents of 2011 is a PlayStation 3 game called Deus Ex.
Deus Ex, which gains immediate cool points for having a Latin name, takes place in a not-too-distant future version of our world. Technology has advanced to a point where humans can be augmented with cybernetic implants, meaning that everything from robotic limbs to the ability to see through walls is available to those with enough money.
Want to be able to jump/fall from any height without that annoying side effect of the landing killing you? Then pop on down to the Limb Clinic and get yourself augmented. Concerned that you wouldn't currently be able to survive a gas bomb? Then why not save up your credits and get an augment at the local Limb Clinic? You get the idea.
In the game you take on the role of protagonist Adam Jensen, who involuntarily receives a number of augments after an attack which leaves him fighting for his life on the operating table. By completing missions, you earn Experience Points and credits, which allow you to augment him further. Gameplay involves a lot of shooting people, hacking into computers and generally being a bit of a vigilante. All excellent ways to unwind after a tough day at work, I think you'll agree.
Before this bloglet turns into a full blown review of the game I should point out that that's not what I intended it to be. No, what I actually wanted to write about here is something which arises in Deus Ex, but which also seems prevalent in numerous other video games across different platforms. Namely ... the inventory.
In order to carry out the main objectives of the game (shooting, hacking, being a vigilante), our friend Adam needs to hold on to quite a few bits of gear (weapons, energy bars, ammunition etc.). That's not a problem, think the game designers, we'll stick all of that gubbins in his inventory. Now, seeing as Adam doesn't have to keep returning to a large room where he keeps all his bits and bobs every time he decides to change weapons, I assume that his 'inventory' is basically 'what he can carry and stuff in his pockets'. It is with that theory in mind that I shall tell you what my Adam Jensen currently has in his inventory (imagine the list is said in the style of the Generation Game conveyer belt bit, if you will);
- A stun gun
- A machine pistol
- A revolver
- A combat rifle
- A tranquiliser rifle
- A crossbow
- A sniper rifle
- Various ammunition for above weapons
- A gas grenade
- A bottle of wine (doesn't deal any damage to enemies, but it's always amusing when you accidentally select it to see the screen suddenly go blurry as you realise that, instead of dealing a deadly head-shot to an enemy guard, you've just got yourself pissed).
So that's seven guns, folks. Even if we get rid of one that's still two on your back, one on each leg and one in each hand. With all that gear it's a wonder the police haven't stopped us and taken us down to the local station to discuss why we are in possession of such an impressive arsenal. But what about the rounds of spare ammunition? I hear you cry. In the pockets with the grenade and bottle of wine, I suppose? Doesn't make for the stealthiest of outfits really, does it? I can't imagine even the most useless of guards not hearing us as we waddle ever so quietly along a corridor with our six guns knocking against each other, and various bullets clanking against a half empty bottle of Merlot in our pocket.
As I mentioned, the idea of an odd, Tardis-like inventory is to be found in many other video/computer games. Take, for example, the PC version of The Sims 3. For anyone unfamiliar with the game, you basically take on the role of a god and control everything in your Sims' lives from their appearance and personalities to when you want them to use the toilet. Each Sim has their own, seemingly bottomless pit of an inventory in which they 'hold' all manner of things. Because one of my Sims has planted a number of fruit trees and vegetable plants in the garden, and the fact that these seem to bear fruit/veg every day, she currently holds well over 200 apples/potatoes/tomatoes/carrots etc. with no difficulty whatsoever. Don't even get me started on the fact that they can also keep a number of vehicles in there too. Keys to cars/motorbikes I could understand, but the actual vehicles themselves?
I suppose the alternative to these unrealistically massive inventories would irk me just as much: having constantly to choose which items to let go of and which few to keep in your pocket would be impractical and would detract from the game. I just wish that game designers would occasionally acknowledge the ridiculousness of the inventory. A simple "Where the Dickens have you been hiding that gun, Adam?" from one of the characters would do it for me.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Dancing on Ice 2012 (1)
So, for the next couple of months I will be exchanging my X Factor recapping hat for my Dancing on Ice one (rest assured, I do always wear a hat while writing these things).
[Just watching the end of the itv news and have decided that Nina Nannar is THE best name ever]
Oh I'd forgotten that macleans sponsors DOI. I do enjoy their odd sponsorship adverts.
The first VT reveals quite a few changes this year, my favourite of which being that Louie Spence is on the judging panel instead of Jason 'the hat' Gardiner.
The professional skaters kick things off with plenty of madness and dry ice - wacky costumes, people hanging upside down off a chandelier. You know, the usual.
One of the less exciting changes this year is that the role of Holly Willoughby will be played by Christine Bleakley. I don't like this change.
Just a quick reminder that, although there are 15 pairs, only 7 of them will be skating tonight. Fear not, it WILL finish before midnight.
While the 'celebrities' are introduced and try their hardest not to fall over, I would like to take a moment to consider why Jason isn't on the show this year. Maybe he's busy growing his hair ... or buying hats ... if anyone actually knows do get in touch. Much appreciated.
Ok, 20 minutes into the show and I think ... yes ... I think we're nearly ready to see one of the celebrities actually skate! Oh, no, we need another introduction to the judging panel. You've probably got time to make a cup of tea before we get started. Go on, I'll give you a shout when someone is ready to skate ...
...
...
...
Heidi and Andrei
Heidi is apparently scared of flying and when her skating partner lifts her up for the first time in training she thinks it feels like take off. I don't know what planes you've been in, Heidi, but I don't think the pilots are doing it right if take off is similar to being lifted 6ft off the floor.
It's a good first performance. She seems very nervous and there's a lot of Andrei carrying/dragging her around the rink but that's probably forgivable at this stage.
Judges' score: 12.5 (out of a possible 30)
Mark and FrankieYou know, Mark ... off of Sam and Mark. Ask your kids.
Unfortunately Mark immediately loses points because he has been partnered with Frankie, whom I dislike intensely. No real reason for my feelings towards her, I just find her irritating and shrew-like.
Skating to I'm Still Standing. Surely that's just asking for a tumble on the ice?
It's very, very slow but, judging by the excited faces he's pulling, Mark's enjoying himself.
After the performance, Tony Gubba, who is my absolute favourite commentator, pipes up with "Despite the go faster stripes on the costumes, most of that routine was in the slow lane." Word, Tony, word.
Judges' score: 8.0
Louie thinks that choreographically it was like dad-dancing and Robin wants Mark's feet to work as well as his face does.
Charlene and Matthew
Apparently she was in Dallas. Bit before my time I'm afraid.
Well, from first impressions Charlene seems very enthusiastic. I am hoping for good things.
I'm actually pretty impressed; Charlene seems fairly happy to skate without always holding onto Matthew.
Judges' score: 13.0
Robin thinks Charlene will be people's guilty pleasure over the next few weeks. I think that's a compliment?
Dinner time! This means I'm not really paying attention to Jorgie but everyone is very positive and she seems to be an early favourite. The judges give her a score of 18.5
Chemmy and Sean
Love this song (Raise Your Glass). I am not a fan of the orange costume with grass skirt. Clearly I'm not really paying much attention to the routine. It's ok. It's not the worst and not the best of this week. I'm more intrigued by the horrendous skiing accident she had a couple of years ago. Kudos for even agreeing to do this show because that fall looked NASTY.
Judges' score: 16.0
Andy and Maria
Andy is apparently a Blue Peter presenter.
Another good song! (Moves Like Jagger). I like this guy - he looks like he's having fun and is pretty smooth on the ice.
Tony describes it as, "foot-tappingly good." Well said, Gubba, I'd agree. Everyone is very happy he managed not to drop Maria.
Judges' score: 14.0 - not as good as I would have expected
Louie says there are moves but that they're a bit floppy, Katerina wants the moves to stay floppy. She has very nice hair ... how have I only just noticed this? It's amazing!
How many more to we have to go now? Just one more pair? Oh good.
Andy and Vicky
Andy seemingly can't do anything in training. I'm hoping for a Todd Carty 'disappearing' act during their performance. You know, it's not all that bad actually. Doesn't seem to be much skating for a while but it's alright. Bit dad-dancy but who doesn't love a bit of dad dancing? I think he'll be in for a few weeks.
Tony thinks he's a natural comic because, "You look at him and you want to laugh." Bit harsh, Gubba but that's why I love you.
Judges' score: 12.0
So the first Dancing on Ice of 2012 is over without anyone falling over! Not one person. I want my money back. Lines are now open if you want to vote.
[Just watching the end of the itv news and have decided that Nina Nannar is THE best name ever]
Oh I'd forgotten that macleans sponsors DOI. I do enjoy their odd sponsorship adverts.
The first VT reveals quite a few changes this year, my favourite of which being that Louie Spence is on the judging panel instead of Jason 'the hat' Gardiner.
The professional skaters kick things off with plenty of madness and dry ice - wacky costumes, people hanging upside down off a chandelier. You know, the usual.
One of the less exciting changes this year is that the role of Holly Willoughby will be played by Christine Bleakley. I don't like this change.
Just a quick reminder that, although there are 15 pairs, only 7 of them will be skating tonight. Fear not, it WILL finish before midnight.
While the 'celebrities' are introduced and try their hardest not to fall over, I would like to take a moment to consider why Jason isn't on the show this year. Maybe he's busy growing his hair ... or buying hats ... if anyone actually knows do get in touch. Much appreciated.
Ok, 20 minutes into the show and I think ... yes ... I think we're nearly ready to see one of the celebrities actually skate! Oh, no, we need another introduction to the judging panel. You've probably got time to make a cup of tea before we get started. Go on, I'll give you a shout when someone is ready to skate ...
...
...
...
Heidi and Andrei
Heidi is apparently scared of flying and when her skating partner lifts her up for the first time in training she thinks it feels like take off. I don't know what planes you've been in, Heidi, but I don't think the pilots are doing it right if take off is similar to being lifted 6ft off the floor.
It's a good first performance. She seems very nervous and there's a lot of Andrei carrying/dragging her around the rink but that's probably forgivable at this stage.
Judges' score: 12.5 (out of a possible 30)
Mark and FrankieYou know, Mark ... off of Sam and Mark. Ask your kids.
Unfortunately Mark immediately loses points because he has been partnered with Frankie, whom I dislike intensely. No real reason for my feelings towards her, I just find her irritating and shrew-like.
Skating to I'm Still Standing. Surely that's just asking for a tumble on the ice?
It's very, very slow but, judging by the excited faces he's pulling, Mark's enjoying himself.
After the performance, Tony Gubba, who is my absolute favourite commentator, pipes up with "Despite the go faster stripes on the costumes, most of that routine was in the slow lane." Word, Tony, word.
Judges' score: 8.0
Louie thinks that choreographically it was like dad-dancing and Robin wants Mark's feet to work as well as his face does.
Charlene and Matthew
Apparently she was in Dallas. Bit before my time I'm afraid.
Well, from first impressions Charlene seems very enthusiastic. I am hoping for good things.
I'm actually pretty impressed; Charlene seems fairly happy to skate without always holding onto Matthew.
Judges' score: 13.0
Robin thinks Charlene will be people's guilty pleasure over the next few weeks. I think that's a compliment?
Dinner time! This means I'm not really paying attention to Jorgie but everyone is very positive and she seems to be an early favourite. The judges give her a score of 18.5
Chemmy and Sean
Love this song (Raise Your Glass). I am not a fan of the orange costume with grass skirt. Clearly I'm not really paying much attention to the routine. It's ok. It's not the worst and not the best of this week. I'm more intrigued by the horrendous skiing accident she had a couple of years ago. Kudos for even agreeing to do this show because that fall looked NASTY.
Judges' score: 16.0
Andy and Maria
Andy is apparently a Blue Peter presenter.
Another good song! (Moves Like Jagger). I like this guy - he looks like he's having fun and is pretty smooth on the ice.
Tony describes it as, "foot-tappingly good." Well said, Gubba, I'd agree. Everyone is very happy he managed not to drop Maria.
Judges' score: 14.0 - not as good as I would have expected
Louie says there are moves but that they're a bit floppy, Katerina wants the moves to stay floppy. She has very nice hair ... how have I only just noticed this? It's amazing!
How many more to we have to go now? Just one more pair? Oh good.
Andy and Vicky
Andy seemingly can't do anything in training. I'm hoping for a Todd Carty 'disappearing' act during their performance. You know, it's not all that bad actually. Doesn't seem to be much skating for a while but it's alright. Bit dad-dancy but who doesn't love a bit of dad dancing? I think he'll be in for a few weeks.
Tony thinks he's a natural comic because, "You look at him and you want to laugh." Bit harsh, Gubba but that's why I love you.
Judges' score: 12.0
So the first Dancing on Ice of 2012 is over without anyone falling over! Not one person. I want my money back. Lines are now open if you want to vote.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
New Year's Resolutions 2012
Happy new year!
Those of you paying attention will notice that, here at Inane Ramblings, things are kicking off in a similar fashion to last year: with new year's resolutions.
First, I think we should take a look back at my resolutions for 2011 to see how I fared. I should probably mention that, prior to starting this bloglet, I had completely forgotten my resolutions for last year. Not a great start.
1. "Attain QTS (Qualified Teacher Status)"
Managed that one. Just. (By the skin of my teeth judging by my final placement.) Anyway, the important thing is that I got it and am qualified to teach the National Curriculum to children up to the age of 11. Woot.
2. "Know more stuff"
Bit of a vague one there, Becky of 2011. Not really sure how to gauge whether I achieved that one. I don't feel particularly more knowledgable than I did twelve months ago, but I find it doubtful that I've managed to exist for an entire year without absorbing at least some new knowledge.
As I'm feeling generous I shall award myself half a point. I don't think I often actively learnt something new, but I must know more than I did last year ... surely?
3. "Be able to cook"
I learnt how to fillet mackrel. Does that count?
Nil points.
4. "Read more"
Feeling fairly confident about this one, actually. I kept a list of all the books I read last year (before you say it, list-making is an entirely normal thing to do and not at all a sign of mild OCD) and managed to get through a total of 15. Clearly this is nowhere near the number my mother or sister will have read, but the pace at which they speed through books is actually ridiculous. On 3rd January, for example, Sarah happily announced, "I've read two books this year". Have you, Sarah? Have you? Well that's just marvellous. I'm on page 4.
I'm actually rather proud of how much I was able to read last year, and if 15 books doesn't sound like that many, try doing a PGCE at the same time. Then we'll talk.
5. "Win the lottery"
Would probably have been more achievable if I had bought a lottery ticket.
Nil points.
2.5 out of 5 - not a particularly good success rate, which is why this year I have chosen new year's resolutions which I think I will actually be able to acheive.
1. Keep a weekly blog.
Exactly what it says on the tin - I want to be able to look back at 2012 and see that I have added a new blog entry at least 52 times.
2. Learn 12 new songs on the ukulele.
One new song, every month. Entirely do-able methinks. If I work out how to post a video on here I may even treat you to clips of my musical endeavours.
3. Learn how to knit.
My grandma, aunt, mum and sister can all knit and whenever I hear them talking about it, it literally sounds like a different language to me. This year will be the year that I learn that language. I might even progress further than being able to knit a scarf this time.
So those are my new year's resolutions for 2012. What are yours? How did you do last year?
Those of you paying attention will notice that, here at Inane Ramblings, things are kicking off in a similar fashion to last year: with new year's resolutions.
First, I think we should take a look back at my resolutions for 2011 to see how I fared. I should probably mention that, prior to starting this bloglet, I had completely forgotten my resolutions for last year. Not a great start.
1. "Attain QTS (Qualified Teacher Status)"
Managed that one. Just. (By the skin of my teeth judging by my final placement.) Anyway, the important thing is that I got it and am qualified to teach the National Curriculum to children up to the age of 11. Woot.
2. "Know more stuff"
Bit of a vague one there, Becky of 2011. Not really sure how to gauge whether I achieved that one. I don't feel particularly more knowledgable than I did twelve months ago, but I find it doubtful that I've managed to exist for an entire year without absorbing at least some new knowledge.
As I'm feeling generous I shall award myself half a point. I don't think I often actively learnt something new, but I must know more than I did last year ... surely?
3. "Be able to cook"
I learnt how to fillet mackrel. Does that count?
Nil points.
4. "Read more"
Feeling fairly confident about this one, actually. I kept a list of all the books I read last year (before you say it, list-making is an entirely normal thing to do and not at all a sign of mild OCD) and managed to get through a total of 15. Clearly this is nowhere near the number my mother or sister will have read, but the pace at which they speed through books is actually ridiculous. On 3rd January, for example, Sarah happily announced, "I've read two books this year". Have you, Sarah? Have you? Well that's just marvellous. I'm on page 4.
I'm actually rather proud of how much I was able to read last year, and if 15 books doesn't sound like that many, try doing a PGCE at the same time. Then we'll talk.
5. "Win the lottery"
Would probably have been more achievable if I had bought a lottery ticket.
Nil points.
2.5 out of 5 - not a particularly good success rate, which is why this year I have chosen new year's resolutions which I think I will actually be able to acheive.
1. Keep a weekly blog.
Exactly what it says on the tin - I want to be able to look back at 2012 and see that I have added a new blog entry at least 52 times.
2. Learn 12 new songs on the ukulele.
One new song, every month. Entirely do-able methinks. If I work out how to post a video on here I may even treat you to clips of my musical endeavours.
3. Learn how to knit.
My grandma, aunt, mum and sister can all knit and whenever I hear them talking about it, it literally sounds like a different language to me. This year will be the year that I learn that language. I might even progress further than being able to knit a scarf this time.
So those are my new year's resolutions for 2012. What are yours? How did you do last year?
Saturday, 3 December 2011
X Factor (3rd December 2011)
Welcome to semi-final week!
Format is the same as last time: only four acts left in the competition so they will each be performing twice.
I wonder if the X Factor narrator talks like that in real life ... "CAN I HAVE .... A CUP .... OF TEA?" Conversations would take forever.
While I've been imagining life with the slowest talker in the UK, someone has announced that this week the decisions are out of the judges' hands so get voting if you actually care who gets to the final.
Dermot's clearly been working hard on choreographing his now weekly dance routine. He still looks like a moron though so we'll move swiftly on.
Judges are introduced. Tulisa does the usual arm thing. Wouldn't it be marvellous if the three other judges took the piss and copied her? Yes, that would be hilarious. Old 'lego hands' Louis would probably mess it up though.
Theme = Motown
Misha (Dancing In The Street)
This week Misha has been a busy little bee meeting Justin Bieber and releasing a charity single.
She is wearing a dress made of records! Actual vinyl records! How ace! With her on stage are dancers a-plenty moving and a-grooving. It's a great start to the show and I kind of wish I was in the audience.
Louis thinks she's original and authentic. He wants her in the final. Tulisa says the theme suits her perfectly and the performance will get her to the final. Gary thanks Misha for making the whole X Factor experience a positive one. Kelly says people will not only be dancing in the street, but on the roof too. If it's alright with you, Rowland, I'll give the rooftop dancing a miss. It's rather cold outside and I don't think I have suitable footwear. Maybe next time though, eh?
Amelia (Aint No Mountain High Enough)
This week Amelia has shot a music video and sung on stage with JLS and One Direction. Yeah? Well, I went to Sainsbury's and wrote some Christmas cards.
Hopefully Motown will give Amelia slightly less opportunity to shout at me. Fingers crossed! Again, plenty of dancers on stage. She sounds really good but she loses points for wearing a dress made of fabric instead of household objects.
Louis loves Amelia and says she reminds him of Christina Aguilera. Didn't I say that a couple of weeks ago? See how knowledgeable I am. Gary was worried Amelia wouldn't cope with the theme but was pleasantly surprised. Kelly thinks Amelia is 'on fire' tonight.
[Dinner was served during Little Mix and Marcus' performances so we now skip ahead to everyone's second song. Lasagne, if you're wondering. It was yummy.]
Theme = Song contestant thinks will get him/her to the final
Misha (F*ing Perfect)
I really like this song and thankfully Misha's doing a pretty good job with it. Although, having said that, the chorus sounds a little whiney. She manages to win me over again with a rapping segment that, as the judges would probably say, 'makes the song her own'.
Louis says she stands out from the crowd and that she should never have been in the bottom two. Tulisa thinks the performance was 'personal and real'. Word. Gary tries to generate votes for Misha by saying that she was wrongfully accused earlier in the competition and that, even if she got to the final, she wouldn't win because of what has been said in the past. Well! What do you think of THAT, Tulisa? Feel bad about calling her a bully?
Amelia (I'm With You)
I'm worried. Kelly warns me that Amelia may well 'bring the house down' with this song ... *volume down*
As if she's singing Avril Lavigne! Oh my god, how 2003. It sounds rather lovely until we reach the big notes, when Amelia tries, but fails, not to shout. I did advise that someone 'accidentally' lose her microphone this week.
Louis thinks it was the vocal performance of the night. Apparently this song is one of Tulisa's all time favourites (who knew?). Gary disagrees with Louis that it was the performance of the show but he says he likes the shouty voice (um ... what?)
Marcus (Can You Feel It?)
Marcus' life has changed a lot in the three months since he used to be a hairdresser. No. Shit.
He enters on a platform from the ceiling (obviously) and I'm a little worried that he is suffering from a mild case of vertigo as the start of the song does not sound at all good. Thankfully once he gets onto the higher notes things improve. Phew, don't scare me like that, Marcus.
Louis doesn't think it was the right song choice. I think I agree actually. Tulisa also agrees with us. Kelly wants to see Marcus in the final but thinks it wasn't his best performance. Gary had cotton wool in his ears throughout because he disagrees with the other judges and me. Silly Barlow.
Little Mix (If I Were A Boy)
Why are they your little muffins, Tulisa?
Little Mix find it odd that they didn't begin the competition as a group. One of them even claims not to remember singing on her own. This should probably prompt someone to call a doctor because she is clearly suffering from amnesia.
Oh my god, Little Mix are on a cloud! .... Oh not ... wait ... it's just a year's supply of dry ice. As you were. Vocals are pretty good ... no actually they're very good towards the end of the song.
Louis is reminded of Girls Allowed and the Sugababes. He would also love to see them in the final. I'm fairly sure he wants to see everyone in the final. Kelly insists they need a lead singer. Gary isn't impressed with tonight's vocals. Tulisa looks like she is going to blow a gasket. She wants the Geordies to vote, she wants Essex to vote. Goodness. So much voting. As an aside, here is an insightful comment from one of Little Mix while talking to Dermot, "I think we did the vocals right and stuff." Wow.
Well that's your lot, folks!
Toodles
Format is the same as last time: only four acts left in the competition so they will each be performing twice.
I wonder if the X Factor narrator talks like that in real life ... "CAN I HAVE .... A CUP .... OF TEA?" Conversations would take forever.
While I've been imagining life with the slowest talker in the UK, someone has announced that this week the decisions are out of the judges' hands so get voting if you actually care who gets to the final.
Dermot's clearly been working hard on choreographing his now weekly dance routine. He still looks like a moron though so we'll move swiftly on.
Judges are introduced. Tulisa does the usual arm thing. Wouldn't it be marvellous if the three other judges took the piss and copied her? Yes, that would be hilarious. Old 'lego hands' Louis would probably mess it up though.
Theme = Motown
Misha (Dancing In The Street)
This week Misha has been a busy little bee meeting Justin Bieber and releasing a charity single.
She is wearing a dress made of records! Actual vinyl records! How ace! With her on stage are dancers a-plenty moving and a-grooving. It's a great start to the show and I kind of wish I was in the audience.
Louis thinks she's original and authentic. He wants her in the final. Tulisa says the theme suits her perfectly and the performance will get her to the final. Gary thanks Misha for making the whole X Factor experience a positive one. Kelly says people will not only be dancing in the street, but on the roof too. If it's alright with you, Rowland, I'll give the rooftop dancing a miss. It's rather cold outside and I don't think I have suitable footwear. Maybe next time though, eh?
Amelia (Aint No Mountain High Enough)
This week Amelia has shot a music video and sung on stage with JLS and One Direction. Yeah? Well, I went to Sainsbury's and wrote some Christmas cards.
Hopefully Motown will give Amelia slightly less opportunity to shout at me. Fingers crossed! Again, plenty of dancers on stage. She sounds really good but she loses points for wearing a dress made of fabric instead of household objects.
Louis loves Amelia and says she reminds him of Christina Aguilera. Didn't I say that a couple of weeks ago? See how knowledgeable I am. Gary was worried Amelia wouldn't cope with the theme but was pleasantly surprised. Kelly thinks Amelia is 'on fire' tonight.
[Dinner was served during Little Mix and Marcus' performances so we now skip ahead to everyone's second song. Lasagne, if you're wondering. It was yummy.]
Theme = Song contestant thinks will get him/her to the final
Misha (F*ing Perfect)
I really like this song and thankfully Misha's doing a pretty good job with it. Although, having said that, the chorus sounds a little whiney. She manages to win me over again with a rapping segment that, as the judges would probably say, 'makes the song her own'.
Louis says she stands out from the crowd and that she should never have been in the bottom two. Tulisa thinks the performance was 'personal and real'. Word. Gary tries to generate votes for Misha by saying that she was wrongfully accused earlier in the competition and that, even if she got to the final, she wouldn't win because of what has been said in the past. Well! What do you think of THAT, Tulisa? Feel bad about calling her a bully?
Amelia (I'm With You)
I'm worried. Kelly warns me that Amelia may well 'bring the house down' with this song ... *volume down*
As if she's singing Avril Lavigne! Oh my god, how 2003. It sounds rather lovely until we reach the big notes, when Amelia tries, but fails, not to shout. I did advise that someone 'accidentally' lose her microphone this week.
Louis thinks it was the vocal performance of the night. Apparently this song is one of Tulisa's all time favourites (who knew?). Gary disagrees with Louis that it was the performance of the show but he says he likes the shouty voice (um ... what?)
Marcus (Can You Feel It?)
Marcus' life has changed a lot in the three months since he used to be a hairdresser. No. Shit.
He enters on a platform from the ceiling (obviously) and I'm a little worried that he is suffering from a mild case of vertigo as the start of the song does not sound at all good. Thankfully once he gets onto the higher notes things improve. Phew, don't scare me like that, Marcus.
Louis doesn't think it was the right song choice. I think I agree actually. Tulisa also agrees with us. Kelly wants to see Marcus in the final but thinks it wasn't his best performance. Gary had cotton wool in his ears throughout because he disagrees with the other judges and me. Silly Barlow.
Little Mix (If I Were A Boy)
Why are they your little muffins, Tulisa?
Little Mix find it odd that they didn't begin the competition as a group. One of them even claims not to remember singing on her own. This should probably prompt someone to call a doctor because she is clearly suffering from amnesia.
Oh my god, Little Mix are on a cloud! .... Oh not ... wait ... it's just a year's supply of dry ice. As you were. Vocals are pretty good ... no actually they're very good towards the end of the song.
Louis is reminded of Girls Allowed and the Sugababes. He would also love to see them in the final. I'm fairly sure he wants to see everyone in the final. Kelly insists they need a lead singer. Gary isn't impressed with tonight's vocals. Tulisa looks like she is going to blow a gasket. She wants the Geordies to vote, she wants Essex to vote. Goodness. So much voting. As an aside, here is an insightful comment from one of Little Mix while talking to Dermot, "I think we did the vocals right and stuff." Wow.
Well that's your lot, folks!
Toodles
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