For those of you who may have accidentally stumbled across this little blog for the first time this year, hello and welcome. I should probably explain a few things.
- I don't have anything to do with the show
If I did, I'd be there in the studio, watching it live, rather than writing sarcastic bloglets about it while slobbing around on the sofa in pyjamas with a glass (or two) of wine. - I try to keep these bloglets clean
But I normally write while I'm watching the show. So sometimes, if there is a particularly exciting moment, I may get carried away and the occasional 'bloody hell' might accidentally slip in. - This year, I haven't watched the auditions
I think I've seen two episodes (one of auditions, one of bootcamp). This was partly because I wanted to be as impartial as possible, and not have pre-conceived ideas about the contestants in the live shows, but mainly because I was out of the country when this year's show started and never really caught up. - Louis will not be taken seriously
I've never really understood why Louis Walsh is a judge on X Factor, given that approximately 98% of what comes out of the man's mouth is nonsense. So, he gets quite a lot of abuse in these bloglets. If you are particularly fond of Mr. Walsh, it may be a good idea to give these a miss.
So, without further ado, let's get this show on the road, shall we?
We start with a quick recap about how the finalists reached the live finals. Goodness, it looks rather dramatic. I'm quite glad I wasn't watching all of that; I don't think I'd have coped.
Next we're introduced to all the finalists and informed that the winner of the 'wild card' will be announced later. This would probably mean more to me if I'd been watching the rest of the series, but I'll just go with it for now.
Dermot and his entourage are on the stage. Are they doing the dancing thing which they started last year? Of course they bloody are. This week it's to Gangnam Style, which is a promising start, but Dermot's pretty awful and ruins it. Well done, O'Leary.
The judges enter to the Superman theme. Obviously.
Oh blimey, the wild cards are here already; we're not hanging about. The winner is someone called Chris Maloney. He falls over and looks like he needs medical attention. Drama queen.
Goodness me, the voting lines are already open. No, we haven't heard them sing yet, they've just walked on stage. Apparently walking is worth a vote.
Just FYI, tonight's theme is heroes. I love it when there's a theme. It's always fun to see just how far they're going to stretch it.
District 3 - Simply The Best
Ah they're a boy band. Apparently they had to change their name quite late in the game, so they asked the internet ... and clearly the internet hated them, because the best name it suggested was District 3. Really? You went with District 3? I already don't like you, boys.
It's a very different version to the original but they start well and sound quite nice together. It's just ... kinda ... boring.
Tulisa, who doesn't realise that some sort of creature has attached itself to her cleavage, thinks they did a good job. Barlow thinks they'll probably be somewhere in the middle in terms of tonight's performance. I'll translate - he thought it was average. Louis thinks they're ace. He's easily impressed.
One Direction is/are here. No, I don't care for them either, so I'll just wait until they leave.
... and they're gone. Good.
James Arthur - What Doesn't Kill You
I recognise this guy. I think I liked him.
Judging by the perfectly coiffured hair, the makeover team have clearly had their grubby little hands on poor James. I'm not sure about this song choice for him. Again, it's good - probably better than District 3 - but it doesn't make me think 'wow'.
Louis thinks James will go far and congratulates all the people of Middlesborough. Random. Barlow wants James to keep his integrity. (Clearly he doesn't like the hair either)
Melanie Masson - With A Little Help From My Friends
Her daughter is the girl from Brave! Well, she's Scottish and has ginger hair.
Mel's standing on a box and looks like she means business ... and goodness me this woman has a set of lungs on her! She probably doesn't need the microphone. Wow! This is how it's done, District 3! She's awesome. I have an early favourite.
Nicole praises Melanie for singing for her life. (What we often don't realise is that the finalists who get booted out of the competition get taken outside and shot - sad but true). Tulisa reckons Mel's got some of the strongest vocals in the competition. Barlow thanks Melanie for giving the 'overs' category back some integrity (he's all about the integrity tonight) ... and what the hell does he mean? Wagner had tonnes of integrity, didn't he?
Lucy Spraggan - Mounted (it's her own song)
I'm impressed she's put her foot down and is singing her own song, especially on the first live show. I'm very impressed actually. The audience obviously doesn't know it, and can't sing along, so it probably took a hell of a lot of guts. Good on you, Lucy
Barlow thinks she's a good song writer. Praise indeed! Nicole thinks she's spunky.
MK1 - Born A Champion (maybe - I don't know the song)
These two I remember, because in bootcamp, when they had to sing against another group, the girl was a knob and got in the other people's way. Poor sportsmanship that is.
They're probably good. I don't know, it's not my kind of music.
Tulisa thinks she doesn't have the strongest voice in the competition. Well, no - clearly. Barlow reckons she's sung better and he also has a pop at Louis by asking what part of the performance was his idea. I can answer that - none. None part. You want to know how I know? No stools for them to sit on.
Christopher Maloney - Hero
This man is orange. Like actually orange. Aside from being a strange colour, he's also very nervous, which makes me nervous.
Well he seems to make a good start. I wouldn't have guessed he was nervous. He sings nicely but unfortunately it's a boring song choice, and following on from MK1 (who I am told, are very 'current') his performance is dated.
Nicole says it was cheesy - yep. Louis says it was heartfelt. Tulisa thinks the song choice was dated - boo ya, I could be a judge - and Barlow tells Christopher to leave the sunbeds for a bit.
Are we halfway through yet? I think we are. I hope we are.
Union J - Don't Stop Me Now
Another boy band. Apparently one of them is new and the others don't remember the band before he joined. Clearly some sort of quite serious memory loss situation going on there.
Excellent song. Bit apprehensive about a boy band doing it ... and yep ... they're ruining it. Dear god make it stop. It's pretty horrible. Oh good, it's over. They don't look very happy. They shouldn't be happy with themselves after that performance.
Tulisa wasn't feeling it but if there's a silver lining, it's that she thinks any faults were not theirs (i.e. they were Louis'). Barlow reckons Louis has destroyed them. Tulisa and Louis fight for a bit and Nicole interrupts with the diplomatic, "Well done for performing together tonight as a band." Dermot speaks to the band and one of the guys says that next time, "Maybe we'll try another song." Yeah, probably a good idea not to stick with the same song for the next 10 weeks.
Jade Ellis - Hero
I don't really like the song (it's Enrique Iglesias) but she sings it well and she has pretty shoes. She's cool. She can be my second favourite for now.
Barlow thinks Jade will surprise everyone. Nicole thinks the song was in slightly the wrong key for Jade. Louis thinks she deserves to be on the stage. Tulisa thinks she's captivating.
Rylan Clark - Gold
I remember him! I can't remember if he can sing though.
He answers my question fairly swiftly: no. I've never been to a Kylie concert, but I'm pretty sure this is what it's like. You know what? This wouldn't look out of place at Eurovision. If he's the UK entry next year you remember that I called it first, ok?
Louis thinks it's amazing and loves his vocals. Apparently we're watching different shows. Tulisa doesn't think the competition would be the same without Rylan - no shit. Barlow says he was having fun until Rylan started singing. Wow! I mean, I know we're all thinking it ... but to say it to his face! Goshies.
Kye Sones - Man In The Mirror
I haven't seen Kye before but I like him. He seems genuinely excited about all the X Factor buzz. Oh good, he's ace at singing too. Ok, he's another favourite.
Louis thinks it was an incredible performance and says Kye will get a record deal. Barlow reckons the production crew spent the budget on Rylan and had nothing left over for Kye. No, they were probably just trying to hide Rylan's vocals behind all the gold and sequins.
Ella Henderson - Rule The World
Ella is the youngest in the competition. She's 16 so she was born in 1996. That sickens me a bit. She also has a beautiful voice. This sickens me even more. If she didn't sicken me so much she would be on my favourites list. She gets a little screechy/strained towards the end, so she's not quite so sickening.
Barlow thinks it was stunning. Nicole thinks she is from another planet and seems to worship her a bit. Tulisa reminds us Ella is only 16. Being 'only 16' is clearly going to be her thing.
Carolynne Poole - Starships
"This literally is a dream come true for me." - I don't like her already.
I don't like this version of the song (it's much slower) and I am distracted by the fact that Carolynne looks like if Shania Twain and Cheryl Cole were to get smushed together into one person.
Nicole thinks it was a bold song choice, which I think is diplomatic for, "I didn't like it." Louis thinks she's like the UK version of Shania Twain - I am on fire tonight! Tulisa (quite rightly) wonders how the song fits into this week's hero theme.
Jahmene Douglas - Imagine
Aw, Jahmene seems ADORABLE! He's going on my favourites list even before he sings. Oh good, he's aces at singing as well as being adorable. He looks quite nervous though, and I think he's glad to get it over with.
Louis is Jahmene's biggest fan. Tulisa thinks he's got the strongest male vocals the X Factor has ever seen. Nicole is glad Jahmene has "found his balls." And on that bombshell, I think we'll bring this bloglet to an end. If you enjoyed reading (which I hope you did), be sure to come back next week!
We start with a quick recap about how the finalists reached the live finals. Goodness, it looks rather dramatic. I'm quite glad I wasn't watching all of that; I don't think I'd have coped.
Next we're introduced to all the finalists and informed that the winner of the 'wild card' will be announced later. This would probably mean more to me if I'd been watching the rest of the series, but I'll just go with it for now.
Dermot and his entourage are on the stage. Are they doing the dancing thing which they started last year? Of course they bloody are. This week it's to Gangnam Style, which is a promising start, but Dermot's pretty awful and ruins it. Well done, O'Leary.
The judges enter to the Superman theme. Obviously.
Oh blimey, the wild cards are here already; we're not hanging about. The winner is someone called Chris Maloney. He falls over and looks like he needs medical attention. Drama queen.
Goodness me, the voting lines are already open. No, we haven't heard them sing yet, they've just walked on stage. Apparently walking is worth a vote.
Just FYI, tonight's theme is heroes. I love it when there's a theme. It's always fun to see just how far they're going to stretch it.
District 3 - Simply The Best
Ah they're a boy band. Apparently they had to change their name quite late in the game, so they asked the internet ... and clearly the internet hated them, because the best name it suggested was District 3. Really? You went with District 3? I already don't like you, boys.
It's a very different version to the original but they start well and sound quite nice together. It's just ... kinda ... boring.
Tulisa, who doesn't realise that some sort of creature has attached itself to her cleavage, thinks they did a good job. Barlow thinks they'll probably be somewhere in the middle in terms of tonight's performance. I'll translate - he thought it was average. Louis thinks they're ace. He's easily impressed.
One Direction is/are here. No, I don't care for them either, so I'll just wait until they leave.
... and they're gone. Good.
James Arthur - What Doesn't Kill You
I recognise this guy. I think I liked him.
Judging by the perfectly coiffured hair, the makeover team have clearly had their grubby little hands on poor James. I'm not sure about this song choice for him. Again, it's good - probably better than District 3 - but it doesn't make me think 'wow'.
Louis thinks James will go far and congratulates all the people of Middlesborough. Random. Barlow wants James to keep his integrity. (Clearly he doesn't like the hair either)
Melanie Masson - With A Little Help From My Friends
Her daughter is the girl from Brave! Well, she's Scottish and has ginger hair.
Mel's standing on a box and looks like she means business ... and goodness me this woman has a set of lungs on her! She probably doesn't need the microphone. Wow! This is how it's done, District 3! She's awesome. I have an early favourite.
Nicole praises Melanie for singing for her life. (What we often don't realise is that the finalists who get booted out of the competition get taken outside and shot - sad but true). Tulisa reckons Mel's got some of the strongest vocals in the competition. Barlow thanks Melanie for giving the 'overs' category back some integrity (he's all about the integrity tonight) ... and what the hell does he mean? Wagner had tonnes of integrity, didn't he?
Lucy Spraggan - Mounted (it's her own song)
I'm impressed she's put her foot down and is singing her own song, especially on the first live show. I'm very impressed actually. The audience obviously doesn't know it, and can't sing along, so it probably took a hell of a lot of guts. Good on you, Lucy
Barlow thinks she's a good song writer. Praise indeed! Nicole thinks she's spunky.
MK1 - Born A Champion (maybe - I don't know the song)
These two I remember, because in bootcamp, when they had to sing against another group, the girl was a knob and got in the other people's way. Poor sportsmanship that is.
They're probably good. I don't know, it's not my kind of music.
Tulisa thinks she doesn't have the strongest voice in the competition. Well, no - clearly. Barlow reckons she's sung better and he also has a pop at Louis by asking what part of the performance was his idea. I can answer that - none. None part. You want to know how I know? No stools for them to sit on.
Christopher Maloney - Hero
This man is orange. Like actually orange. Aside from being a strange colour, he's also very nervous, which makes me nervous.
Well he seems to make a good start. I wouldn't have guessed he was nervous. He sings nicely but unfortunately it's a boring song choice, and following on from MK1 (who I am told, are very 'current') his performance is dated.
Nicole says it was cheesy - yep. Louis says it was heartfelt. Tulisa thinks the song choice was dated - boo ya, I could be a judge - and Barlow tells Christopher to leave the sunbeds for a bit.
Are we halfway through yet? I think we are. I hope we are.
Union J - Don't Stop Me Now
Another boy band. Apparently one of them is new and the others don't remember the band before he joined. Clearly some sort of quite serious memory loss situation going on there.
Excellent song. Bit apprehensive about a boy band doing it ... and yep ... they're ruining it. Dear god make it stop. It's pretty horrible. Oh good, it's over. They don't look very happy. They shouldn't be happy with themselves after that performance.
Tulisa wasn't feeling it but if there's a silver lining, it's that she thinks any faults were not theirs (i.e. they were Louis'). Barlow reckons Louis has destroyed them. Tulisa and Louis fight for a bit and Nicole interrupts with the diplomatic, "Well done for performing together tonight as a band." Dermot speaks to the band and one of the guys says that next time, "Maybe we'll try another song." Yeah, probably a good idea not to stick with the same song for the next 10 weeks.
Jade Ellis - Hero
I don't really like the song (it's Enrique Iglesias) but she sings it well and she has pretty shoes. She's cool. She can be my second favourite for now.
Barlow thinks Jade will surprise everyone. Nicole thinks the song was in slightly the wrong key for Jade. Louis thinks she deserves to be on the stage. Tulisa thinks she's captivating.
Rylan Clark - Gold
I remember him! I can't remember if he can sing though.
He answers my question fairly swiftly: no. I've never been to a Kylie concert, but I'm pretty sure this is what it's like. You know what? This wouldn't look out of place at Eurovision. If he's the UK entry next year you remember that I called it first, ok?
Louis thinks it's amazing and loves his vocals. Apparently we're watching different shows. Tulisa doesn't think the competition would be the same without Rylan - no shit. Barlow says he was having fun until Rylan started singing. Wow! I mean, I know we're all thinking it ... but to say it to his face! Goshies.
Kye Sones - Man In The Mirror
I haven't seen Kye before but I like him. He seems genuinely excited about all the X Factor buzz. Oh good, he's ace at singing too. Ok, he's another favourite.
Louis thinks it was an incredible performance and says Kye will get a record deal. Barlow reckons the production crew spent the budget on Rylan and had nothing left over for Kye. No, they were probably just trying to hide Rylan's vocals behind all the gold and sequins.
Ella Henderson - Rule The World
Ella is the youngest in the competition. She's 16 so she was born in 1996. That sickens me a bit. She also has a beautiful voice. This sickens me even more. If she didn't sicken me so much she would be on my favourites list. She gets a little screechy/strained towards the end, so she's not quite so sickening.
Barlow thinks it was stunning. Nicole thinks she is from another planet and seems to worship her a bit. Tulisa reminds us Ella is only 16. Being 'only 16' is clearly going to be her thing.
Carolynne Poole - Starships
"This literally is a dream come true for me." - I don't like her already.
I don't like this version of the song (it's much slower) and I am distracted by the fact that Carolynne looks like if Shania Twain and Cheryl Cole were to get smushed together into one person.
Nicole thinks it was a bold song choice, which I think is diplomatic for, "I didn't like it." Louis thinks she's like the UK version of Shania Twain - I am on fire tonight! Tulisa (quite rightly) wonders how the song fits into this week's hero theme.
Jahmene Douglas - Imagine
Aw, Jahmene seems ADORABLE! He's going on my favourites list even before he sings. Oh good, he's aces at singing as well as being adorable. He looks quite nervous though, and I think he's glad to get it over with.
Louis is Jahmene's biggest fan. Tulisa thinks he's got the strongest male vocals the X Factor has ever seen. Nicole is glad Jahmene has "found his balls." And on that bombshell, I think we'll bring this bloglet to an end. If you enjoyed reading (which I hope you did), be sure to come back next week!
